Why is it that these last 3000 words are the hardest 3000 words I’ve ever had to write? I’ve gotten a week’s extension on this assignment and even now that I’m in extra time, I’m still finding every possible excuse to procrastinate. (Oh what, Spotify has launched in Australia? MUST CREATE PLAYLISTS.)

I am unmotivated. I cannot bring myself to write these final few thousand words, even though I’ve written hundreds of thousands over the course of this degree. While I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am convinced that all I need to do to reach it is an absolute last ditch effort that need receive no more than the barest passing mark. I’ll already be graduating with a Distinction/High Distinction average. What difference will a single Pass make?

I’m not sure what the point of this entry is. I’m not asking for motivation tips – I’m past that point. I’m not asking for sympathy – I chose to study while working. I’m not asking for emotional support either – I’m the only person who can make this happen. I suppose that I really just wanted another reason to procrastinate – blogging is as good a way as any!

A former student who is suing Geelong Grammar School says she decided to seek damages after she failed to qualify for her preferred university course.

Rose Ashton-Weir, 18, alleges Geelong Grammar gave her inadequate academic support, particularly in maths.

Seeking compensation in the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal, she said her final secondary school score was too low to study law at the University of Sydney.

Of her time at Geelong Grammar, she said: ”I didn’t ever feel I was getting the support I needed to really excel.”

Read more

Whatever happened to taking some personal responsibility for the fact that you simply weren’t smart or dedicated enough to get into a course at a prestigious university? A conscientious student would have requested and sought more academic support if they cared about their marks. The fact that you didn’t reflects on yourself, not on the school. School records show that you failed to complete school work, was placed on internal suspension, and were frequently absent from class. Your own disregard for the education you could have received led to your inability to get into the course.

What a self-entitled idiot.

There are also some other smaller projects that I’d like to work on in the next few weeks:

1. Book all accommodation for our trip to China in April/May. I’ve already worked out a rough itinerary, so would like to start locking in some accommodation!
2. Start brushing up on my Mandarin language skills. They’re very rusty as I haven’t used Mandarin regularly for the past four years. I’ve already borrowed some audio language guides from my local library that I want to transfer to my iPhone so I can practice on my commute.
3. Start reading up on research methods for my last unit of study for my Masters. I should receive this year’s materials towards the end of this month, but because I have last year’s materials already, I can start doing some pre-reading.
4. Learn how to use Kieran’s new Nikon D3100 DSLR that he won the day before he left for Japan. He left it with me, so I might as well teach myself the basics so that I can appropriate the camera whenever I feel like being “artistic”. Inverted commas are actually necessary, because I’m not artistic in the traditional sense.

I also have a monthly pass to a gym in the city that I purchased for $19 off a Daily Deal site. It expires at the end of February, so I guess I should start going. I need to go at least four times to make the $19 investment worthwhile. Wish me luck?

I want to be a giver. I am, comparably speaking, really lucky. I have my health, my job, my family and friends, a roof over my head and food on my table. I have discretionary income – I can take holidays, buy clothes I don’t need and see movies I’ll forget about in a month. Not everyone is as lucky as I am, and I am constantly reminded of that working in a charity. Every day, I encounter families whose young children can die overnight from hypoglycaemia. Mothers who get up every hour to check to make sure their child is still alive. I don’t have anything like that to worry about – I am one of the lucky few. So I want to give back. I donate my time on the weekend fundraising at events for the organisation I work for…but I can do more. I have more time and skills to contribute. I just need to find charities and organisations who need me after work and on weekends.

I want to be more of my own person. This was never really a problem for me when I was living in Melbourne. I was never dependent on a partner to the point of only spending time with him or his friends. However, after moving to Sydney where I don’t have an extensive friendship network like I do in Melbourne, it’s very easy to tag along to everything that Kieran does, and spend all my time with his friends. I don’t have a reason to turn down an invitation, because I never have other plans. This needs to change. It’s not healthy. So I need to build my own friendship network. I’ve been attending trivia nights on Wednesdays with a regular group of people who I met on Sydney Livejournal (who are now Facebook friends, who are coming to my housewarming, etc.), which is a great start. I’m very conscious though, of the fact that I can and should do more. I’ve signed up for an account at Meetup, and I just need to find the right group for me. It’s an ongoing project.

I want to be recognised for my abilities. In other words, I don’t want to make excuses. I’m only going to use one example here – and that’s my ability as a cook. For the longest time, I’ve always claimed that I’m not a cook because I was never really allowed in the kitchen growing up – it was very clearly my mother’s dominion. I’ve loudly and proudly proclaimed my expertise in creating beans on toast or two minute noodles. That’s all a dirty lie. I’m actually a really good cook. I don’t follow recipes, and I don’t meal plan. I cook from instinct, and it always turns out well. Case in point – my attempts at salmon and chicken. I need to stop hiding behind a facade of incompetence to lower people’s expectations of me, and admit that I’m actually pretty awesome.¹

I want to be realistic about my capabilities. More often than not, I’m my own worst enemy – I think I’m capable of doing more than what is actually humanly capable. Case in point. I’m also Captain Possible at work – no matter how much work people throw at me, I won’t stop to say that it’s not manageable – I’ll find a way to do it all even if it means staying till 8pm every night and taking work home on weekends (which believe me, I don’t get paid enough to do). So I need to a) learn to say no/stop; and b) be realistic enough to look at what is actually possible. This is not only for my own benefit in terms of stress levels, but also for others around me as they recognise what is possible and in what timeframes.

I want a lot more. But this is a start.

¹Note: I still think it’s perfectly acceptable to make an excuse that you’re not strong enough to carry heavy things up two flights of stairs. If a stronger person can do it for me, then that’s definitely preferable!

Graduate successfully from my Masters with a High/Distinction average: I didn’t graduate from my Masters. Instead, I did the complete opposite of successfully graduate, and instead I deferred my last semester of study. I did get a Distinction for the first semester of study though. I start study again first semester of this year – starting late February through to mid June. I’m a bit worried about it actually – I will have been away from study for the past six months and I hope that my motivation hasn’t suffered as a result.

Take the next step in my career to a 10% increase in salary and a step up in position title: I didn’t get a discernible increase in salary nor a step up in position title. What I did do was find a new job in Sydney that is probably more focused and relevant to what I want to do in the long-term, as opposed to the work I had been doing previously. I’m doing work that involves a degree of higher level thinking – of strategy, analytics and planning. It’s a step up from the purely administrative, logistic and “doing” work that I have previously done, and offers more opportunity to broaden my skills for appeal to future employers.

At this point I don’t know how long I will stay with the role. It’s becoming clear that it’s not enough money to live comfortably on for the type of lifestyle that I am accustomed to. It is also clear that while there may potentially be long-term scope for growth in the role, it’s not something that would happen in the next two years, nor something that could allow for any short-term substantive growth in income. Yet there are clear pros to the role – I enjoy the work, my colleagues and the organisation. And if things go according to plan, staying at this organisation would make sense as they are very family-friendly and offer great maternity leave and “back to work” options. But I can make more money elsewhere for similar work within a similar not for profit environment. At this stage…I don’t know what I’ll do. I imagine I’ll see through a twelve month cycle however, and make a decision towards September of this year.

Pay $5000AUD off my mortgage, additional to the regular fortnightly payments: I actually paid an extra $18K onto my mortgage in 2011. However, I’m currently chewing up any benefits I earned by not paying my ongoing mortgage amounts (in agreement with the bank) as I work through my current money problems. My additional payments allow me to stop paying my mortgage until September. I hope to get back on track by March though (by which time, I would have chewed up $10K of my additional payments), and to start paying my mortgage again at that point. I’m still stressed about money, but I’m hopeful that things will turn around soon.

Finally fully furnish and decorate my apartment, with photographic evidence: Well, technically yes, I did this. I did fully furnished my apartment in Melbourne and showed off some of the key features of: my bedroom, living room and kitchen. But then I moved out of my apartment in August and in with my parents who pretty much claimed all my furniture to replace their old furniture. Moving up to Sydney in September, I had nothing but my personal clothing and kitchenware. I took no furniture or whitegoods with me.

When I finally moved into my own apartment, I’ve had to essentially start this resolution again and furnish an apartment from scratch. I think I may have just made it – I picked up some pieces on Friday. However while I’ve got most of the furniture, I still lack the personal touches that make it a home…and I’m struggling with ideas of how to make it feel like home when it’s a rental property where I can’t hang pictures on the wall, repaint, or do anything else that alters the physical state of the property.

As for resolutions for 2012?

I recently spent some time setting objectives for the next six months at work. Each objective had one guiding principle, they had to be SMART objectives: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound. Using the same concept, I wanted to look at my personal goals for the next twelve months.

1. Graduate successfully from my Masters with a High/Distinction average (repeat!).
2. Get down to Melbourne at least twice this year to visit friends and family.
3. Get back on track financially with a strong $5K in savings by the end of the year.
4. Go overseas twice.

The first three are pretty self explanatory. I need to finally finish this Masters…no more delays! I’m also feeling a bit homesick. Having my brother here for a week helped, but really, I just miss home and my mum’s cooking. Even though I’ve been eating my way around Sydney trying out new places, I’m yet to find anywhere with food as amazing as my mum’s cooking. I’m also not used to being in this kind of a financial situation – I’ve always been the responsible one, and I want to be again.

As for going overseas twice, I already have that super cheap trip to China planned, which Kieran has now also booked tickets for. I look forward to showing him around a country I consider my second (and original) home. I’d also like to look at going overseas again towards the end of the year. I’ll have about three weeks of leave accumulated by Christmas, which would be just enough for a whistle fast tour of Argentina, Chile and Peru…or India and Sri Lanka…or Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia…or anywhere really! I know now what experiences make me happy and I want to do it all especially now that I’m with someone who is similarly inclined.

I should probably make a resolution about losing weight and/or doing more exercise, but we all know that kind of resolution never works. ;)

And just for your enjoyment – the fireworks that I got to watch last night.

1. My financial situation is a little less dire. They’ve finally found a tenant for my apartment (at $80 a week less than what they originally said I would get), but I’m still three months down on rental income ($6000). I’ve negotiated a payment plan with the tax office so I can pay my tax bill, I don’t have to pay other bills until January, and I have enough for a deposit on a rental in Sydney. Things are tight, but I’m not as stressed.
2. I have not yet found a rental in Sydney. I have another round of inspections this weekend though, so fingers crossed. I have three more weeks available to me in my current temporary accommodation (I can leave earlier if I find somewhere), so that’s my deadline for finding somewhere.
3. His immediate family love me. I’m meeting the extended family this weekend at a birthday gathering, and I’m relatively confident they’ll love me too.
4. I’m currently living with two men in my temporary accommodation, though not the two in this entry. I’m not sure what happened with those two actually – we lost contact after I went away for a month, so I assume they’ve found somewhere else to live? Anyway, living with two men who’ve never been introduced to cleaning products. Huzzah.
5. I’ve re-enrolled in my postgrad degree for next semester. It’s actually been quite nice having a few months off study, considering how manic I’ve been with travelling, moving, and settling into a new city, and also considering that I’ve been in continuous education since I was four. I just hope I can get back into study mode next year.
6. I ended up buying an actual GPS. I don’t know whether it’s helped or hindered my driving around Sydney though. The problem with Sydney’s highways is that you might be travelling on one, then each of the four lanes will go off into a different highway (all unmarked with the actual highway name, just marked with destination), and all the GPS will tell you is “Continue on Warringah Highway”, and not clarify which one it is. There have been times when I’ve been in the wrong lane and ended up having to drive across the Sydney Harbour Bridge (bye bye $5 toll charge!) when that’s the last thing I want to do.

As for things that have been happening since I’ve returned to Sydney:

1. I turned 25. I still can’t really believe that I’m a quarter of a century old. I was marginally concerned about how I would spend my birthday considering I’m away from family and most of my friends who are in Melbourne, but I ended up having a great weekend.

   I went out for dinner on Friday night at this amazing Northern Thai place (no pad thai here!) with Kieran, then went out clubbing with a friend who came to Sydney for my birthday, as well as Kieran and some of his friends. The club was doing a nineties night…it was fantastic to dance and sing along to Britney, the Backstreet Boys, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Salt n Pepa, etc. Then on the Saturday, I went to Taronga Zoo with Kieran, and got to see the three new Sumatran tiger cubs who are only about two or three months old…so adorable! I spent Saturday night in with Tracey, Xuan and my Melbourne friend, and we watched girly movies, painted our nails and ate bacon. Sunday was a bludgey recovery day, but I went out for dinner again.

2. I went to my first wedding. Can you believe I’d never been to a wedding before now? It’s largely because all my extended family obviously live overseas so I never had occasion to go to a cousin’s wedding. All my parents family friends have kids who are younger than me so they weren’t getting married. And none of my friends seem to be the marrying type! Anyway, Kieran’s mate from university got married, and I went as his date. It was quite a simple and casual wedding – a watered down Catholic ceremony in a small country church (the bride was Catholic), followed by a picnic/reception in a mountainous national park, and then drinks down at the local pub. Luckily the weather was absolutely beautiful for it as it was pretty much all outside!

   It got me thinking about how I want my wedding – and I think my one big takeaway was that I don’t want a church wedding. The couple tried to be very inclusive of all faiths in their service, but I felt hypocritical being in a church for a service when I don’t believe in religion. I simply wouldn’t feel comfortable getting married in a church, but by the same token, wouldn’t feel comfortable getting married on the beach which seems to be the default second option for most Australians. I’d be more inclined to hire out a beautiful scenic winery, or I love the idea of holding a reception somewhere like the State Library of Victoria. All something to think about.

3. Work has been good. I’ve been doing a lot of work online and with some external publications, which has been very interesting. My colleagues are (largely) fun – we’re having a big “girl’s night out” tonight which should be interesting. I’ve been told (warned?) that these nights tend to get pretty messy…I’m interested to see what people are like away from the office! You know how people have work personas and out of office personas? It’ll be interesting.
4. My friends haven’t abandoned me. As I mentioned earlier, a friend came up from Melbourne for my birthday weekend which was amazing. I’ve got another friend coming to Sydney next week so we’ll catch up, and yet another friend coming next weekend for work. Then a group of my girl friends from high school are talking about road tripping up to Sydney to see me between Christmas and New Years – AND my parents plan on sending my brother up to visit me in that time too. I was originally apprehensive of moving to a new city and leaving my support network behind, but that really hasn’t been the case – they’ve just followed me for random visits.

   It’s as my manager at work said actually – when you move to a new city, you become a destination for friends and family. They may not have originally thought of visiting that city before, but once you’re there, they’ll come and visit you and you won’t be alone. I’m thankful for that.

5. …and I already covered off on the housing situation.

Finally, sarcastic travel posts aside, I do actually have some serious “This is what I did/bought in America” posts planned with much less sarcasm. Not a dearth thereof, just less. Somehow, I don’t think they’ll be quite as popular.

In terms of other stuff that I am doing: I met two potential future housemates last week off Gumtree (Craig’s List for Australia). We went out for a drink and a chat one night after work as we saw each other’s “Housemate Wanted” ads and thought that each of our house-hunting requirements were particularly cohesive. We’re all looking for the same geographical area – anywhere on the North Shore train line from Chatswood through to Redfern. I had three extra requirements: pet-friendly, my own bathroom, and a parking spot. They had a few more: a courtyard or balcony that receives afternoon sun, room enough to have people stay a few nights, and a commitment towards a relatively tranquil home atmosphere with all hard partying to be done when out of home – all of which are requirements that I also have. Most importantly, we are all working towards an early November timeframe to sign a lease as well – I’m reluctant to sign anything sooner as my rent is paid for September, and I am overseas for all of October.

In any case, we all went out for a drink to assess whether or not we would fit as housemates, and I think I will get along alright with the two guys. We had a good night and managed to come to a general understanding around house rules for cleaning, having ‘friends’ over, etc. They are old friends – one is a Kiwi, the other is South African. Both work in finance and banking, and both are a year younger than me. They’re very much rah rah rugby types, and very easygoing. It should be good.

My mother questioned me on why I wanted to live with two guys rather than two girls, which I recognise is probably a valid question for most people. I’m actually incredibly adamant that I don’t want to live with other females – which isn’t surprising considering that the only female I’ve ever lived with was a high school friend who I no longer talk to. In comparison, I’m still good friends with the men I have lived with (ex-boyfriend not withstanding), even if I didn’t know them beforehand. Essentially, I don’t want to deal with the bitchiness that often (if not always) goes hand in hand with having two or more females together in a permanent living situation. I’d rather not take that risk.

Besides, I’ve always been more of a bloke’s girl than a girl’s girl.

Logically, I know I shouldn’t feel like a failure. I have very legitimate reasons for deferring this semester of study, and had spent a lot of time on the phone with my cousin agonising over the decision before going through with it. It actually is not feasible for me to write two 4500 word essays (plus do all the readings and research for them), plus move interstate, plus search for permanent accommodation, plus finishing up work, plus preparing for my month-long trip in October, all the in the space of twenty-eight days. It simply cannot be done.

Everyone I know has agreed with my decision thus far (except for my parents, but that’s to be expected). They all thought I was slightly crazy for originally thinking that I could have done it all. My cousin also told me that I had to cut myself some slack and not feel guilty and/or a failure, because I’m deferring the course, not dropping the course. That it’s a better long-term decision to leave my final semester to next year when I can actually focus more attention on it, and do true justice to study, rather than squeezing it around everything else that’s happening.

It doesn’t stop me feeling like I’ve not done well enough, and that I could have done it if I had better time management or was more motivated.

In hindsight, I should have been more realistic about what was actually achievable. I should have dropped out of this semester of university so that I would have ten to twenty extra hours each week – but I couldn’t bear the thought of deferring my very final semester till next year. Why drag out study when I can just grin and bear it, and get through my final semester? I should have been less proud and accepted my parents’ offer to come over and help me pack everything and get everything ready for the movers. I should have said ‘no’ to more invitations to go out, but I wanted to catch up with friends while I still had the chance. I probably shouldn’t be spending this weekend indulging in sexy times with someone, and just waited till I had moved to Sydney and we had all the time in the world…but I’m drunk with desire and want it all right now.

More fool me.

How are preparations actually going? What am I doing with everything?

In terms of accommodation, the movers are coming this Sunday to move all my furniture and electricals to my parents’ house. I am moving back in with my parents for a week until the 7th of September when I drive up to Sydney to the short term accommodation I’ve arranged for September. The plan is to have my short-term accommodation for a month, to go overseas for October as planned, and then to come back in November and start looking for permanent accommodation. I still haven’t crossed that difficult bridge of exactly where I’m going to live in November while looking for permanent accommodation, but that’s something I’m putting in the ‘too hard’ basket until I’m actually in Sydney.

As for what I’m going to do with all my stuff – I’m taking my clothes, bedding and small kitchen equipment with me when I drive up on the 7th of September. I trust that everything will still fit in my car! Everything else will be stored in my parents’ house or garage. I had originally been looking at eventually getting my furniture moved up to Sydney once I had secured permanent accommodation but I am starting to give up that idea. It’s just too expensive – I’ve gotten several quotes and it’s invariably been in the four figures. Even if I hire a minivan and drive everything up myself, I’d be paying four figures for the one-way fee that the van hire company would charge. The plan now is for my parents to give up their old couch, TV cabinet, and CRT TV, and to take my new leather couch, and slimline TV unit and LCD HD TV. They won’t pay me for the items, but they will take the market value of the items off the amount I owe them for my house deposit – e.g. I won’t have more money, but I will have less debt. My net worth will stay the same.

I hope to gradually sell the other big ticket items – fridge, washing machine, dining set, BBQ, bed set, and outdoor bench on either Gumtree or eBay. I’ll buy the basics in Sydney, and will aim to buy second-hand to start off with. I’ve already given away other items – I gave my cousin all the (dying) herbs in pots I had on my balcony, and I gave my brother my Playstation 3 as a huge birthday/Christmas present for the next three years. I’ve taken the opportunity to clean out my wardrobe and have either donated or thrown away a garbage bag’s full of items. I’ve given some bits and pieces (extra powerboards/cords, etc.) to my former housemates.

And the question that everyone probably has on their mind – what of Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy? Basically, I can’t take him up with me for the first few months. It wouldn’t be fair on him and his sense of stability to have him with me in temporary accommodation for three weeks in September, before putting him in a boarding house for four weeks while I’m overseas, and then having him in unstable accommodation again in November while I look for somewhere permanent. Darcy is coming with me to stay with my parents, and he will stay with them until I secure permanent pet-friendly accommodation in Sydney. I hope to have him with by mid-November. My brother will be looking after Darcy – I have offered him $50AUD a week for this responsibility. He will have close to $500AUD by the time he finishes, just in time for the summer holidays and trips to movies and going out with friends. I hope that the arrangement will: a) teach my brother responsibility, both in terms of looking after another person, and in financial management without asking my parents for money and managing the $500AUD; and b) take the burden of looking after a pet off my parents who enjoy playing with Darcy, but probably wouldn’t care to clean a litter tray.

And I guess finally, I need to have my first assignment completed before I drive up to Sydney, and the second assignment three weeks later before I go to America. Oh fucking dear.

I started to get an inkling when they asked me to fly up to Sydney for an in person interview and make a financial commitment to the interview process. No organisation would (or should) ask an interstate candidate to make that commitment unless they are one of three preferred candidates. If they’re in the top five but not the top three, a Skype interview would be sufficient enough to figure out if they are in the top three, then a request to fly up should be made. So that was my first hint.

My second hint came when I finished my first in-person interview, and my future direct manager (who was interviewing me) asked me to stay longer, and then explained that the organisation normally has a three stage interview process spread out over two weeks. I had passed Stage 1, the interview with your immediate manager, and she wanted me to do Stage 2 immediately, an interview with the head of department. She asked me to wait in the interview room for ten minutes while she got the head of department in to do an impromptu interview. That was when I knew I was interviewing well – otherwise I would have finished my interview right after Stage 1.

My third hint came when I finished my Stage 2 interview with the head of department, and was left waiting again while they rounded up a few future colleagues so that I could go on to Stage 3 – a casual coffee meeting with colleagues to get a better idea of the organisation from the employee viewpoint. In our chats, some of the things that they said gave me the impression that they had been clued up by the immediate manager about my candidacy for the role – “oh, when you start working for us, etc”. This was also the part of the interview where I decided that I could really enjoy working for this organisation – they clearly loved not just the work that they did, but also enjoyed working with the people they worked with, and enjoyed the camaraderie and socialibility of the workplace. Organisational culture rates very highly with me – I want to work somewhere where I like my colleagues and enjoy staying back after work for a glass of wine with them, not just somewhere where I go in from nine to five and do my job.

My fourth hint was when I had had my coffee date, I met again with the head of department for a few final questions. I asked her what she would consider an outstanding candidate, as opposed to a good candidate – she listed qualities around a genuine commitment to the not for profit sector, to community development, a commitment to learning, an ability to work autonomously, etc. Essentially all qualities that I had stressed and placed emphasis on throughout my interview process, and which made me think: “Hang on, are you just describing me?”.

My fifth hint, and the hint that pretty much placed the final nail in the coffin of doubts I may still have had, was when they called me half an hour after I left the offices (I had been there for nearly two and a half hours) to ask me for references because they, quote, “were really keen to check references this afternoon”. Of course I had glowing references – one of my managers told me later that she had told them that if they weren’t careful, I would have their job and end up head of department within two years.

I got the offer the next day. I hadn’t actually told them about my planned month-long trip to America at any point during the interview process, as I wanted to make sure that I was their preferred candidate before I threw a spanner in the recruitment plan. When I told them after they made the verbal offer, I was told that it wouldn’t be an issue, that it wasn’t a dealbreaker, and that they were impressed with how I interviewed. it feels good to be back on top and to have life working out for me.