Travelling As A Couple

This was always going to be a big thing about this holiday. It’s the first time (realistically speaking) that I’ve been on a proper, long, holiday with a boyfriend. This holiday was a test of the relationship. There are unique challenges that come from spending 24 hours a day together for two and a half weeks that you simply don’t get elsewhere. Even when you live together, you’re not together with that level of intensity – there’s work, education, family, and other social commitments that mean you spend at least some time away from your partner.

When you travel together in a country where one of you are unable to communicate with the locals and the other has to do all the translating, there’s not much opportunity for being alone. All up, I think we only spent probably four hours apart for the whole two and a half weeks – largely when he had a sleep in and I went out early for an hour’s walk in the morning.

I think we passed the test. We’re still together, we didn’t have any blazing rows, and we both learned to travel and to gracefully give way to each other’s wishes. I’m a “must do everything” traveller – I get up early and stay up late, from an early breakfast at a street vendor, a day of sightseeing, and a full night at the night markets. Kieran is more of a “travel is about the holiday, not about the travel” traveller – he would prefer to stay up late reading and relaxing in bed, have a sleep in, and then leisurely pick one destination to explore each day. It’s not the best combination, but we made it work, with concessions on both sides.

Language

This was a concern of mine before we left. I hadn’t used Mandarin Chinese or Shanghainese regularly since the start of 2007, and I knew that I was rusty. (I do this thing where if I want to practice a language, I make myself think in that language and practice conversations in my head. It’s really hard, but effective at determining your level of fluency.) My imaginary conversations proved to me that I wasn’t ready to throw myself right back into China, where the average Chinese person knows only three phrases of English – “Hello”, “cheap, cheap, you buy”, and “you need taxi? I drive”.

However, concerns aside, I did better translating for the both of us than I thought I would. There were never any issues getting from A to B, using both taxis, high-speed trains and subways. One incident aside where I ordered three dishes instead of two, we never had any issues with ordering delicious meals, three times a day. I even had lengthy nearly hour-long conversations with taxi drivers, masseuses, etc. and managed to hold my own.

Impressively, I was still able to speak to my family in our local dialect which is essentially a dirty bastardisation of both the Shanghai and Ningbo dialects. Any student of Mandarin Chinese could tell you how dissimilar the Shanghai dialect is to putonghua, or standardised Mandarin. Yet I still managed to understand and converse in the dialect. I’m impressed with myself, but still admit that while my verbal command of Chinese was more than adequate for two weeks of travel, I should have brushed up on my recognition of Chinese characters before I left.

Places

Our original plan for the trip was: Beijing-Xian-Shanghai-hometown-Nanjing-Beijing in the space of two weeks. Travel in-between cities would have been primarily high-speed train over long distances, and passenger coach to my hometown. What we didn’t account for was the three-day May Labour Day holiday in China, which is second only to the Chinese New Year week-long holiday in sheer numbers of travellers using up all transport options. We were unable to buy train tickets to Xian on arrival in China (we couldn’t buy in advance overseas as you need to provide your ID/passport), and thus had to rearrange our plans, and omit Xian from our travels (somewhere I still haven’t been!). This allowed us to add a day to Beijing and a day to Shanghai.

Beijing: We were sick for the first few days/week of our holiday, a bug that we caught while in Sydney, incubated during our few days in Melbourne, then aggravated during the flight, with full effects for the first few days of our holiday. This severely impacted our ability to sightsee, and we ended up only going to the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, the night markets, and the Xiamen and Wangfujing commercial areas.

Shanghai: I’m a Shanghai girl through and through, based on my previous stays in the city as a student. We walked the Bund and took in the views from the Huangpu river on a night cruise. We visited Yuyuan, the Old Town, the French Concession, and explored my old stomping grounds in the Hongkou district. We watched a movie at XinTianDi (Titanic 3D, yeah!) and went to Nanjing Lu.

Hometown: We had two days here, and aside from the eating, the main highlights was the deserted amusement park we went to, and the fact that I got my hair chemically straightened. Otherwise, it’s really not all that exciting, though the industrial designer in Kieran was excited by our visit to the cigarette lighter factory that my aunt works in. He likes factories. What a boy.

Nanjing: We had one and a half days here, and managed to take in the sights of Hunan Lu, visited Xuan Wu park (and took an electric boat out on its many lakes), and went to the Confucius temple region and visited the Taiping Rebellion museum as well.

Singapore: We had a twelve hour stopover in Singapore on the way back from Beijing, and fortunately, it was at a reasonable time (9am – 9pm, as opposed to 9pm – 9am!). We took a shower at Changi airport (heavenly), then joined the free two-hour Colonial Tour that Changi airport offers. After the tour, we made our own way into the city to Orchard Rd where we wandered the massive malls for a while and had a very Malaysian/Singaporean meal (chicken rice, mmm), but then retreated to the cool air-conditioned space of a cinema and watched The Avengers.

Food

With few exceptions, we ate primarily in hole-in-the-wall mum-and-dad restaurants – lots of noodle soups, bowls of dumplings, etc. As a student in China a few years ago, that was always my go-to option as I could quite easily get a hearty home-cooked meal for around $1AUD. The only difference this time around is that with the rate of inflation and rising cost of living in China, my hearty home-cooked meal is now costing me around $1.50AUD.

We never once had a bad meal. The smaller street-side eateries never failed us the way they do so many other visitors from first-world countries – we never had upset stomachs, or anything that disagreed with us. When we went to larger restaurants (a famous Peking Duck restaurant in Beijing for example), that never failed us either, though it did reaffirm our preference for more authentic local eateries. We ate some strange food when we visited my family for two days – local specialities that included raw salted miniature crabs, tiny lobsters with purple meat, fruit that looked like mutated loganberries, tiny pipies, home made rice wine, and more. We saw stranger food at night markets that we weren’t game enough to try (skewered deep fried scorpions, silkworms, barbecued sheep penises, and more).

Probably most impressively, we only caved once and had a single ‘western-style’ meal while we were away (an Italian meal) – and that one time was in the Shanghai French Concession which almost specialises in non-Chinese cuisine. It’s very easy for travellers to China to get sick of Chinese food, three times a day, and to retreat to the ever-ubiquitous McDonald’s or KFC for a comfort meal. We never did that, though we did get dessert twice from MacDonald’s in the form of soft serves with strange flavours – taro soft serve and melon soft serve!

Shopping

Shopping is never really a main concern of mine when I go to China. Fact is, my feet are too big to buy their shoes (women’s shoes generally only reach about a 39, whereas I need more of a 41) and my body is too large for their clothes (I’m never going to have a 26 inch waist, and don’t even get me started on the size of my chest compared to the average Chinese woman). Anything else that I could purchase (handbags, accessories, etc.) generally don’t appeal to me because of the overall general national female preference for glitz, sparkles, sequins and diamantes that don’t fit my personal aesthetic for simple and classic.

Tourist souvenirs don’t appeal to me as I grew up in a Chinese household with all the teapots, scrolls, and inkstones that one could wish for. Gadget purchases don’t appeal either because of the fact that warranties purchased in China aren’t valid in Australia. Most mid-to-high-end cosmetics and toiletries are generally on par for pricing, which doesn’t offer an incentive to purchase in China and send back to Australia. In the end, the only purchases I made were for mid-range toiletry products – I bought some Biore pore packs and cleanser, and some Garnier products designed for acne prone skin. I only spent about $50AUD all up, but got around $90AUD value. Not a huge saving (I probably could have gotten similar savings had I waited for a supermarket sale), but enough to warrant the spending.

People

I don’t know if I like the average Chinese person. There, I said it. I don’t like the hacking, coughing, and spitting of phlegm on the footpath (yes this still happens despite the government’s attempts to reeducate about hygiene). I don’t like the fact that most people feel the need to talk at 100 decibels, no matter where they are. I don’t like the fact that pushing and shoving in a crowd is de rigeur. I don’t like the fact that people don’t know how to line up in queues and will shove their way left right and centre. I don’t like the culture of smoking (by kids as young as seven!) that means you smell like an ashtray because of second-hand smoke after a matter of hours. I don’t like the blatant gawking I get from Chinese men because of the size of my chest and the very audible remarks they make to their companions when I walk past.

Having said that, I love China. I love the great pride that everyone holds in being Chinese and in both embracing and celebrating the millenia of culture and history, while working hard to create a brighter and more prosperous future. I love the 热闹 (hot and noisy) atmosphere of anywhere you go, and the hustle and bustle of a country of 1.3 billion people. I love the entrepreneurial nature of the Chinese people and the way they spot a business opportunity anywhere. I love the fact that when we were at the Forbidden City and having some issues with tickets, a Chinese couple came up to us and tried to give us some advice.

The difficult thing is, I love the liveliness of a country with 1.3 billion people, but dislike some of the natural behaviours that fall out of that – e.g. the pushiness in a crowd and inability to line up. Take the good with the bad?

Family

We spent two days with my mother’s family in a place that I used to call “Bumfuck Nowhere” in old LiveJournal entries. It’s about halfway between Shanghai and Ningbo in the mid south east of China on the coast. This is the type of place it used to be. These days, it’s a bustling semi-urban area with an influx of migrant workers that’s becoming industrialised and even has a KFC within a ten minute drive. My grandparents have moved from farmers to becoming landlords – building one room rentals on what used to be their farming land, and renting them out for a princely total of $2300RMB a month. It’s not the rural China of my mother’s childhood.

The visit was characterised by my being shown off to everyone in the village (I’m related in some way to pretty much all of the original locals, whether by blood or marriage), and consistently receiving the comments that I’m tall and pretty, but I would be a lot prettier if I lost some weight because I’m fatter than the last time I visited. Again. And again. And again. And just in case I didn’t get it the first time – I’m tall and pretty, but need to lose some weight, x100000. And if this isn’t a contradiction in itself – even though every second sentence was about my weight, every third sentence was then encouraging me to eat and drink more, because food is the only way my family know how to show their love.

Oh, and they approved of Kieran, even though they couldn’t communicate at all. He showed himself willing to try a bit of every dish they served him, and that was enough to satisfy them! My grandma tried to give me $6000RMB when we left as a “wedding gift” because we might not get a chance to return for a visit before we get married. She was very disappointed when I refused the money and explained to her that we do things differently overseas – that we don’t date one person and get married within a year like many Chinese couples, and that chances are, she can give me the wedding money in three years when marriage actually becomes a reality after we’ve trialled living together and a whole range of other life experiences together.

Overall

I had a great holiday, being sick not withstanding. Two weeks gave me: affirmation of the strength of this relationship, a few extra kilos due to delicious food, criticism about the few extra kilos (plus a few more), confirmation of the appeal of my regular features, confidence in my language skills, and most importantly, just a good break from work. I did come back to 3000 emails in my work inbox, and three resignation emails from colleagues which brought me back to down to Earth pretty quickly…it’s really about time to start planning for another holiday I think. South America? I got an email promotion about some cheap flights in early December which are looking mighty tempting…

More on the trip later…if I don’t forget to update this blog, like I have been doing for the past few months.

It’s no secret that my previous boyfriends have been useless. With the beauty of hindsight, I’ve been thinking lately that if only I had actively sought my parents approval (instead of actively opting to disappoint them), I could have saved myself the three years I wasted in unfulfilling relationships. I only need to think about the criteria my parents would use to judge my potential partners to know that I would have done myself a favour to follow their advice:

1. He needs to have an Asian background and/or have an appreciation for Chinese culture. My Chinese heritage is important to me, and I intend on passing it to my kids. This would be made a lot easier if their father was either of a similar ethnic background or had a close affinity to Chinese culture.
2. He needs to put me and family first. This importance of doing one’s filial duty. Family is so important to me that I can’t believe I wasted my time with people who never incorporated me into their families, and never made an effort with my family.
3. He needs to be able to provide for me and our future kids. My parents have always wanted me to have my own career, but at the same time, they want to ensure that my future husband has his own, stronger, career. Biology dictates that I am likely to be the one who takes time out of my career when we have kids (he can’t breastfeed or give birth!), so they would ensure that whoever they chose for me would be able to support a family when I’m taking time off work.
4. He would be responsible, reliable, and trustworthy. These seem like pretty standard qualities, but I think back and see where I’ve prioritised other, less admirable qualities. Never again.

This isn’t to say that all arranged marriages work. Just recently there have been reports of Australian girls of ethnic descent (as young as 14!) being flown back to their home country by their parents for an arranged marriage. But when I think about what my parents would look for in a partner for me, and what your parents would look for in a partner for you, I can’t help but feel that our parents are a better judge of character than we are. They look for the long-term match, whereas people around my age are more likely to think in terms of what’s fun for now.

Ingredients

• One pack of 宁波雪莱王
• One pack of bean curd (marinated in five spice – sliced into strips)
• One pack of bamboo shoots (pre sliced)
• One pack of frozen sliced soya beans (defrosted)
• Approximately 400g of sliced lean pork
• Knorr’s chicken stock powder

You’ll find most of the above ingredients in your local Asian supermarket…provided you live somewhere with a relatively sizable Asian population. These aren’t your regular everyday Westernised Asian fusion stir fry sweet and sour pork ingredients.

Procedure

1. Soak the 宁波雪莱王 in water between fifteen minutes and half an hour, depending how strong you like your food to be flavoured. My mum will soak it for about half an hour because she likes her food quite bland, whereas I prefer strong flavours so I soak it for fifteen minutes. Basically the 宁波雪莱王 is quite salty/sour to begin with as it’s pickled, so you need to let out some of the pickle flavour before you cook it. Also defrost the soya bean slices.
2. Fry up the lean pork on medium heat using vegetable oil in a large, deep saucepan with a lid. The pork should probably be in thinner strips than what you see in the photo – I cut it more in casserole size rather than stir fry size. Learn from my mistake!
3. After the pork is about 90% cooked through, add in the defrosted soya bean slices and sliced bean curd. Cook until the pork is 100% done.
4. Add the 宁波雪莱王 to the pan and fully integrate into the rest of the ingredients.
5. As soon as you’ve mixed the 宁波雪莱王 through, add in the pre-sliced bamboo shoots and mix through again.
6. Add chicken stock and sugar (to counteract the sour saltiness) to taste. Cover the lid of your saucepan and let it cook on low heat for three minutes before turning off the stove and letting the dish cool down.

And voila! You have a huge pan of 宁波雪莱 that you can use in a multitude of quick and easy Asian dishes. I had it tonight mixed with Shanghai soup noodles.

I froze three quarters of the contents in three separate portions. The fourth portion I left in the fridge – it will serve me as part of my dinner over the next two to three nights! I’ll keep taking portions out of the freezer – all up, this batch of 宁波雪莱 should last me about two weeks…and all with only thirty minutes spent in the kitchen!

¹Ningbo is my mother’s home town in China, and any bowl of noodles you buy from a street vendor will include Ningbo-style pickled cabbage. For that reason, this dish always reminds me of family.

There are also some other smaller projects that I’d like to work on in the next few weeks:

1. Book all accommodation for our trip to China in April/May. I’ve already worked out a rough itinerary, so would like to start locking in some accommodation!
2. Start brushing up on my Mandarin language skills. They’re very rusty as I haven’t used Mandarin regularly for the past four years. I’ve already borrowed some audio language guides from my local library that I want to transfer to my iPhone so I can practice on my commute.
3. Start reading up on research methods for my last unit of study for my Masters. I should receive this year’s materials towards the end of this month, but because I have last year’s materials already, I can start doing some pre-reading.
4. Learn how to use Kieran’s new Nikon D3100 DSLR that he won the day before he left for Japan. He left it with me, so I might as well teach myself the basics so that I can appropriate the camera whenever I feel like being “artistic”. Inverted commas are actually necessary, because I’m not artistic in the traditional sense.

I also have a monthly pass to a gym in the city that I purchased for $19 off a Daily Deal site. It expires at the end of February, so I guess I should start going. I need to go at least four times to make the $19 investment worthwhile. Wish me luck?

This anonymous comment I received shows why racism is still a pertinent issue. Anyone who claims it isn’t, is just delusional.

I celebrated with a large family dinner in a restaurant with Kieran’s family last night – there were probably around 50 people in total. While we had the traditional feast foods like lobster on noodles and drunk chicken, we also had the choice of such foods like sea cucumbers, angel hair, chicken feet and jellyfish. Most people weren’t adventurous enough to try those options, but I got stuck right into it, and actually turned my nose up at the more Western sweet and sour pork option. There’s no better time than Chinese New Year to get your Asian on right?

I’m the lady in the red dress at work today (red for fortune and luck!), and have been trying to do my part in educating my colleagues about the Year of the Water Dragon…and of course, the most accessible way is through a universal crowd pleaser like horoscopes! I sent this link around in an email this morning for everyone to explore their horoscope for the year. Apparently, I can expect a year of popularity, more responsibilities at work, and growing to another phase in my relationship. What can you expect?

Anyway, I mention this dinner only because it was incredibly stereotypically Chinese. Discussion topics over the course of the night included:

1. How their daughter should become a doctor because she’s academically gifted and give up her idea of becoming an astronomer.
2. How my parents exclaimed over how pretty she was, and her parents firmly disagreed and said that she was alright, but nothing special.
3. How her parents always told her that she wasn’t a good sister because she didn’t look after her younger brother the way I did mine.
4. How she needed to ask me about what subjects she should study in school (in five years time) in order to get into a good university.
5. How I wasted my high academic scores by not going into Law because I was confident and good at talking (their words, not mine).
6. How an acquaintance was overprotective by following her twenty-seven year old son to another city to look after him, but how it would somehow be alright if it was a daughter, because daughters need to be looked after until they’re married off.
7. How I needed to find a boyfriend quick stat because I’m in extreme danger of becoming a barren old maid.

I was of course, questioned further on the last point, in a style not dissimilar to Spanish Inquisition. It’s much more frightening though – it’s the Asian Parent Inquisition.

The night ended when our two families parted ways and my mother spent the entire drive home berating my father for not taking a firmer hand with me over the entire course of my life and forbidding me from: a) moving out of home; b) getting an inappropriate boyfriend; c) not getting an appropriate boyfriend; d) moving to Sydney; e) staying under their rule forever. My father replied with “What am I supposed to do, she’s an adult and she’ll make up her own mind anyway”, thereby cementing his status as the cooler parent in my mind forever.

Given previous history, I was expecting her to get all Asian parent-y and find something to criticise about it, rather than appreciating it as a gift. Surprisingly she didn’t. She said thank you and she didn’t criticise it. She didn’t gush over it the way some mothers might to make their children feel like they’ve made a great choice, but the sheer fact that there was no criticism said enough as she never holds back harsh words.

In any case, we went out to dinner at a Thai restaurant on Sunday night on a Daily Deal voucher – seven courses for two people for $29AUD. I think my mother is a daily deal convert now, it appeals to her frugal Asian nature. We also went out to dinner again tonight, with king crab on noodles. Cause Asians celebrate with crustaceans. (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.)

You know, I kind of resigned myself to the fact that there are a million and one Amanda’s out there. Facebook tells me as much – it’s kind of like the John Smith for Asian females (that and names like Candy Wu, Lulu Zhang and Lisa Nguyen). There’s apparently even an Amanda in Iowa who works as a web designer.

But my Chinese name? I always thought that was unique to me. Obviously a stupid assumption given that Chen is the second most popular surname in a country with a population of 1.3 billion people, and that 静 and 文 are qualities that any traditional Asian parent would want to embed into the characters of their daughters.