January 22 2010: You’re A Terrible Daughter
Filed under Family
In my attempts to reconcile with my parents and build a more adult-adult relationship (as opposed to the parent-child relationship they’d like to keep me in until the day I die), I’ve been going over to their house for dinner about once a week.
In the course of this week’s dinner, my mother said to me:
Why can’t you be like your cousin? She got your aunt a credit card to pay for all household expenses, so your cousin pays for everything for her parents. Why can’t you be filial like that? You’re a terrible daughter.
Geez mother, I don’t know. Maybe because you kicked me out of your house three months ago? That tends to stop me from paying rent each week, paying for phone and internet bills, and buying fruit and vegetables for the whole family.
Good luck getting my useless brother to get a part-time job once he turns fifteen. Good luck getting him to support himself financially by the time he’s seventeen. Good luck getting him to pay for his own university education. Good luck getting him to contribute anything to the household when he’s working. Go ahead and continue buying him $800 mobile phones and $400 iPod Touch packs when he’s only thirteen.
I’m sure spoiling him with lavish gifts and raising him in a way that results in him having no respect for his parents is really going to leave him supporting you in your dotage when he can’t even properly communicate with you and has no connection whatsoever to your cultural background. Maybe if you recognise the fact that I’m the only child you have who will actually feel obligated to care for you when you’re senile (instead of throwing you into a nursing home), you’ll realise that it’s fairly important that you stop treating me like an ungrateful and unfilial daughter, and telling me that I’m a failure and a disappointment.
18 Responses to “You’re A Terrible Daughter”
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Both of my sisters give my parents money (but they currently live at home), they consider it to be a form of rent (one of them pays the property tax, the other pays for cable/internet, some food, etc). Me, I’m currently “rent free” I don’t have a job and I’m putting myself through university. They did the same thing for my sisters – as long as they were in school, they didn’t have to contribute money to the household.
None of my cousins have ever given their parents a credit card to use, I don’t believe. One of my adult cousins is always having his parents bail him out of money issues because he’s made some awful decisions, and another cousin helps out his parents all the time (he’s an only child).
Somehow, I think your cousin applied and got that linked credit card out of her own free will, without having her parents telling her to do it. Supporting your parents financially when they’re still working and when you’re trying to make your way in the world should be decision you make for yourself. Would it really make them feel better if you were to give them money if you feel like you have to? Or would they rather that you want to give them money/help them out?
Michelle on January 22 2010 #
Your entries about your parents always make me cringe. I feel like it’ll take years before they realize what you’ve done for them. You’re an incredibly filial daughter. They’ should boast about how wonderful you are to others in the family (you put yourself through uni.), you paid for their phone/Internet, bought them food, etc. What do they want?
Chantelle on January 22 2010 #
Ouch. :( It’s too bad I can’t impress upon your parents what a responsible person *I* think you are, and I hardly know you. I mean, by your standards, *I’m* a terrible daughter (since I couldn’t support my parents financially — totally the other way around here), but my parents appreciate my contributions just the same. It’s good you’re trying to build a more adult-adult relationship with them though. Hopefully over time they’ll begin to understand.
Stephanie on January 22 2010 #
It’s like you’re speaking about my father in that post
He doesn’t call me a bad daughter but he sure expects a hell of a lot for nothing.
I would totally understand that, IF they actually helped me out when I was younger, and didn’t make me so frustrated that I moved out on my own at 19.
Now that i’m back, I pay rent. That’s fine by me, but when he gets to old age, he thinks I’m going to pay for everything, buy him a car and ask for nothing in return.
Nuh uh. He’s paying rent to ME for “utilities” and “room and board” in that case, if he wants to set the rules like that.
Ridiculous.
Luckily, my mother is the total opposite. She’d give her right arm if she could.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com on January 22 2010 #
Oh man, that post made me very, very sad for you. I remember all your previous entries of how much you helped around your household, and it’s a huuuge thing for you to have put yourself through uni, AND paid for some household expenses. I think your parents are just being ungrateful, and completely lopsided in their expectations of you and your brother!
Amanda on January 22 2010 #
Goddamn. Your parents still refuses to see how you’re a wonderful daughter who cares for her family despite their disdain and preferential treatment for the son?
. . . This really upsets me for you. I know each parents and family have their own methods of raising children and yadada, but . . . parents like yours just . . . I’m sorry, they disgust me.
The optimistic side of me hopes they’ll come around and regret their treatment towards you.
The pessimistic and evil side of me hopes they don’t and realise their mistakes and pay for it in the harshest manner.
Tara on January 22 2010 #
This blatant favouritism that still exists in our culture needs to end!
Vickie on January 22 2010 #
Sounds so extremely…frustrating (at the very least). x.x You’re x1000000 more responsible than I am and have done more than I would’ve ever thought of doing at your age. Here’s hoping things between you and your parents go smoothly (sooner than later). *hugs*
Noellium on January 22 2010 #
I’m assuming your cousin still lives at home, right?
Otherwise, I really don’t see why you’d have to do this to be a good child. Or is there such a mentality? I read a lot of manga (ok ok laugh) where the protagonist has left the countryside to work in the “big city” and sends money home.
Still, since you’re not living at home, shouldn’t they theoretically have less expenses? :|
Vera on January 22 2010 #
Ugh it breaks my heart to think they would consider you a terrible daughter when you’ve accomplished so much. Keep holding your head up high because they will realize it one day and regret treating you the way they do.
marilyn on January 22 2010 #
amanda that sux and it is not fair at all. remember ur an independent woman (from reading ur entries) and u dont needa take all that trash talk from ur parents. parents seem to be on another planet wen it comes to communicating with their adult/grown children, in particular, parents from an ethnic background. i find it hard all the time to talk to my dad but all the time. its sad but i dont know… some parents make it complicated to even maintain a relationship with them.
suze on January 22 2010 #
Uh, I don’t get your parents. They should be grateful for all the things you’ve done for them…So they’d want you to support the family so they can spoil your little brother more by buying him uber-expensive gifts? Yeh right. It’s their choice if they want to buy $800 dollar phones, if they can do that, then they can take care of their own expenses too, I’d say.
Eternalised on January 23 2010 #
One day they’ll realize…
<3
Erin on January 23 2010 #
I took a look back at some of the posts you linked in this entry. I’m really heart broken over the situation between you and your parents.
I don’t understand why your parents think you’re so awful. From what I’ve read, you’re pretty amazing. You helped them out financially, with their business, helped out your brother, are independent. I really don’t understand. Yet they spoil your brother like no tomorrow? What is wrong with this picture?
Some parents, I honestly feel, certainly prefer one child over the other. Your parents won’t know what they missed with you for a long time, but I’m sure in the end if you keep gently working with them, they’ll see how good you are.
Don’t lose hope.
Annika on January 23 2010 #
Every time I read an entry about your parents, it makes me wonder why they don’t stop and think about what a wonderful daughter you really are. You’re responsible, financially savvy, and I’m not sure what your parents are asking for if they still think you are a disappointment. I think you are a fantastic person, and I’m just sad that your parents don’t realize it. I hope that it’s not too late when they finally do.
Lucy on January 23 2010 #
Your parents don’t seem like super fabulous parents, so I suppose you guys are even!
Aisling on January 23 2010 #
I don’t get your parents or why they believe that you should support them and you don’t even live there.. even if you did you shouldn’t have to support them.
If they can buy your brother an ipod and other expensive items they can afford to support themselves financially.
It seems like you keep making an effort to reconcile and they just want you under their thumb.
Amy on January 23 2010 #
Reading your entries about your parents always makes me wonder what they will do/say when it’s your brother’s turn to support the family (similar to the manner in which you’ve been supporting them prior to moving out) and he, well… doesn’t do it. :/
Manda on January 24 2010 #