September 26 2009: The Winter Of My Discontent
Filed under Life
I’ve been absent from this blog these past seven days – and this will not be an apology, but rather an explanation. In past times when I’ve been discontent with life, my writing has suffered as a result. I’ve become stilted, or less ready to speak of matters that may actually be close to my heart – I’ve taken refuge in more impersonal discussion of current affairs.
I am, at the moment, discontent with life. I feel as though I lack direction – I’m not yet certain that I’m doing something that will make me happy in the long term. I don’t know if I’m studying something that’s right for me. I don’t know if I’m pursuing a career that’s right for me. I don’t know that I’m doing anything at the moment that’s right for me – and while I’ve been told that I have years ahead of me to decide upon a course of life, it rankles that someone who achieved as much in her first two decades could be so undecided at the age of twenty-two. I suppose the difficulty is that while most people have a passion that they try to turn into a career, I’ve no particular passion for anything. I’m good at many things that I enjoy, but aren’t passionate about anything. There’s really nothing I can turn into a legitimate career.
As a result, I’ve been rather, for lack of a better word, glum. My perspective on things in general have been rather negative – aided perhaps, by the whole car drama which seemed entirely worthy of a FML. Life in general seems to conspire against me, and I must admit that I find myself at a loss as to how to get myself out of the rut. I’m aiming to book a holiday for later this year – simply so I have something to look forward to, something to work towards, something that might give life some direction again. But really, it’d be nothing but a temporary reprieve until I can find some professional direction.
The past week by itself has been hard as well – I’ve been an absolute wimp in the house by myself. My father’s a loud snorer, and being in the house by myself in the dead of night without that familiar snoring reverberating through the house means that I have trouble sleeping. I’ve been having nightmares too, of getting a phone call saying that they’ve decided to stay overseas forever, or from a relative saying that they died in a freak accident over there. It’s just all been very lonely, all alone.
11 Responses to “The Winter Of My Discontent”
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I think a holiday is an excellent idea. If I were able to go on holiday and not have to worry about study or making sure I had enough money to live, I’d be so much better off! So, obviously it’d be helpful for you too!
I also know how you feel about alone in a house you usually share with others. I’ve been without Sam for two weeks now and I’m still not used to it. I’ve still got 4 and a half weeks to go before things go back to normal as well!
Darnielle on September 26 2009 #
Give us a call when you have the time punk. Come up to Sydney and have a ball with us!
Michael on September 26 2009 #
Well, this sucks. :(
I’m always worried that I won’t find a career that I can be passionate about. I know people say that I have ~time~ to figure it out, but I feel like time won’t solve any of my problems.
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but hopefully things will start looking up soon.
Kaylee on September 26 2009 #
I think it’s great that I read this, I’m actually in the process of writing about my passion, or in my case, the lack thereof on my own blog. I’m having the exact same thoughts you are having. Lately, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, with no way to get out. The life I’m living isn’t reflective of the person I am, and this leads to a huge portion of my discontent.
Here’s to the both of us figuring it all out.
She on September 26 2009 #
I actually know the feeling. For a long time I didn’t know what to do with my life, what career I wanted, or even if I had a real goal to go for. I did a lot of things that everyone else in my major was doing, because it felt like I had to. And unlike you, I was too much of a coward to admit that I didn’t FEEL like I had much of a passion for anything. But I did find something I really liked and was good at. To tell you the truth? I’m still not ENTIRELY sure. There’s always some looming doubt that I chose the wrong career path and even worse, the wrong major. There are times I really love art history more than science.
I think what gave me a bit more peace with my decisions…and a kick in the butt to MAKE a decision is understanding that no one knows the answer. No one can expect what comes. To make a decision about the rest of your life at this young age is very difficult. So it’s okay to not know or choose incorrectly because you would have never known something wasn’t for you if you didn’t stumble over it.
I hope you don’t feel alone. I think we can all agree we’re here for you.
marilyn on September 26 2009 #
I don’t have anything insightful to say, but here’s hoping things look up for you. *hugs*
And I hear you on your alone in the house situation, when my parents went to Utah and the siblings were either at work or school. >.< Mainly at night. I didn’t exactly feel scared, but it just felt very lonely, like I was the only human being around for miles.
Noellium on September 26 2009 #
I’m in a similar situation. I have a passion and an aim but getting there would be incredibly difficult and there are so many things to consider on the way. I’m currently trying to decide whether I can do what I want to do and still remain in a relationship. Or if I can do what I want to do anyway, complications aside.
Here’s to everyone finding the right purpose.
Charlie on September 27 2009 #
I’m having the same thoughts as you (minus the bits about the car and the empty house). The closer I get to finishing my degree, the more depressed I feel. I’m not convinced I chose the right degree, and I’m actually starting to feel that most of the jobs it will lead to will make me miserable. And I have no idea whether sticking with it and trying different things will eventually lead me to something I’ll enjoy.
I hope you figure things out. This isn’t a nice feeling. :(
Emily on September 27 2009 #
I can relate with the empty house thing but its a little bit the opposite direction, it’s been noisy and I’m used to it quiet. I just recently moved into my own apartment in the city, and I’ve lived at home in the country for years. At home, every little creak or noise was someone coming or going, and I was alert to them so I knew what was going on in the house. Here I’m having a really hard time filtering the noises in my mind. What do I need to notice (a knock on the door?) and what don’t I need to pay any attention to (the neighbors being noisy again). I’m slowly getting used to it. I hope you can get some good nights sleep, being tired certainly doesn’t help with the discontentment feeling. Good luck :)
Mar on September 28 2009 #
Aww Amanda… that makes me very sad that this is the first post I read from you after I’ve been MIA for a long time. I hope you figure things out and I’m sure your parents will come back and your father’s snoring will help you go to sleep again in the very near future!
Felisa on September 28 2009 #
Darling I know exactly what you mean about the comforting noise of having your dad snoring.
For most of my life I’ve seen Dad quite sporadically as he’s either travelling or living in a different country for work and is hardly ever home. Deathly silent nights have kept me up for months at a time. Hearing him snore at night always makes me feel safe to fall asleep at night =)
Bee on September 28 2009 #