July 1 2009: QOTW: Severely Not Cool Situation
Filed under Friends & Q.O.T.W. & Relationships/Men
Last night when at dinner with a few friends, an interesting discussion came up about problems with a particular situation that a male friend finds himself in. Imagine the below situation.
He is in a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend who lives in Hong Kong. There’s a hot female friend from Taiwan coming to Australia for a holiday – she’ll be staying at his place for a week.
He doesn’t live centrally (he pretty much lives in bushland), so it’s not as though she’s staying with him because it’s convenient to access various touristy type activities. She’ll be spending a fourth of her vacation with him specifically, in the middle of nowhere.
His girlfriend is not cool with the situation and is kicking up a fuss.
He’s convinced there was nothing wrong about the situation he’s putting himself in, and that his girlfriend was just overreacting. Asking us if we would have reacted as his girlfriend did, we replied with an adamant yes – what he’s doing is simply not cool. Now I have been labelled a controlling and possessive bitch before by someone else (I think it’s in reference to my pedantic, organisational, “have to know everything” nature), but my reaction can’t only be because of that – there’s something inherently wrong with the situation itself. Surely others feel the same way?
Question of the Week: If in his girlfriend’s place, how would you feel?
Oh, and for the record, Gibe African Restaurant is really good. When you go, opt for the main course with the description that you won’t be able to pronounce – that will give you a small sample of pretty much every other main on the menu so you can try a bit of everything. It was my first time having proper Ethiopian food, and it was absolutely delicious. I highly recommend the restaurant to all Melbournites.
27 Responses to “QOTW: Severely Not Cool Situation”
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I can see how he’d think it’s not a big deal- he’s probably thinking that they’re just friends, she needs a place to stay and a month stay can be pretty expensive so he’s doing hher a favour, etc.
I would still probably be really suss though =/
Carmen on July 1 2009 #
Even if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal (and it might not be), I can definitely see how his girlfriend would think it’s a big deal. I’d be kicking up a fuss about it, too, especially if I were in a long-distance relationship. To me, long distance relationships are so much harder than a, well, “regular distance” one that added factors like hot female friends staying with the boyfriend in the middle of nowhere for a week aren’t very welcome!
Manda on July 1 2009 #
I totally see where the girlfriend is coming from and like you said, the situation is iffy and I wouldn’t put past the friend who is visiting to try something…
Noemi on July 1 2009 #
I would be the same. It’s not just a matter of jealousy, but it IS seriously not cool. If i was in the position, I’d probably end up more hurt than anything that he doesn’t realize what’s so wrong about it. Even if one is understanding, it’s hard to sit calmly and tolerate that.
marilyn on July 1 2009 #
I’m definitely on the girlfriend’s side with this one. Unless she personally knows the girl in question, why on earth would she react otherwise? Especially in their long-distance situation, it’s not like she can meet the girl and see if she’s really alright or not.
Ashley on July 1 2009 #
I think it comes down to trust. She obviously doesn’t trust him if she’s freaking out about it.
I wouldn’t have a problem if I was in the same situation and Sam did this. If the female friend tried it on, the chances of her succeeding would be next to nil. She’d have to get him rather liquored up before he’d put his willy where he’s not supposed to.
And then I’d question him about keeping rusty slut buckets for company. HAHA.
Darnielle on July 1 2009 #
Personally, I wouldn’t even bat an eye (well, maybe an eyebrow would twitch a little), but I can totally understand the girlfriend’s reaction. The situation does seem “not cool” at the very least, but can’t say I don’t understand the guy’s thinking. Although, really, if the girl’s seeing something wrong, maybe he should just forgo with the plan and realize that hey, if she says there’s something wrong, maybe there really is. *shrugs* Take a step back and try to understand why the girl’s kicking up a fuss is what he should do.
Long-distance relationships require more trust than the usual. The tricky thing is trusting the people around your boy/girlfriend.
(I’m one to talk. My long-distance thing with the one and only ex ended up in a pregnant married woman who’s my mom’s age. Hah!)
Alex on July 1 2009 #
Hmm… From his point of view, he’s probably thinking that he hasn’t seen his friend in a while and staying with him would be a lot cheaper than paying for a hotel for a week out of her vacation.
But from her point of view, I would totally make a fuss about it. But at the end of the day, like Darnielle said, it all has to do with trust. It’s not like he’s not allowed to have female friends and it’s not like he’s not allowed to see them. His girlfriend, however, either trusts him or she doesn’t. And it doesn’t seem like she does. But there’s a lot of info that he either didn’t tell you or you didn’t include. Like if the girlfriend knows this hot friend or if they’ve had issues with cheating or flirting with other people in the past, etc.
Michelle on July 1 2009 #
Not cool, just not cool ;) i don’t think he’ll agree with our reasoning though, he only asked us to back him up, once he found out we wouldn’t, he wasn’t interested!
BTW did you see the Fijian restaurant in front of where we parked the car? Might be something different again for next time, although the African was mighty good.
Bobbi on July 1 2009 #
I agree, it’s a severely not cool situation. How would he feel if the situation were reversed? I’m guessing he wouldn’t be happy at all.
Tanya on July 1 2009 #
Not cool! Especially the fact that it’s a long-distance relationship. It’s delicate enough! I can totes understand his view on it though as well. If the hot female friend were to try anything in the first place, wouldn’t he have the sense to stop things from going into danger territory?
Melinda on July 1 2009 #
I personally couldn’t give two hoots, but I know if the situation were reversed and say.. I wanted a man friend to stop over for X days without Karl, he’d freak :P
Jem on July 1 2009 #
Hmm. I can see why he wouldn’t think it a problem, and in his girlfriends’ place I’d know it was like him, and I’d trust him enough to be both in a long distance relationship and to be in that situation. However, I definitely think that whatever he feels, there’s something up with the girl coming miles just to stay with him, so I’d be wary of it and complain for that reason alone.
Ann on July 1 2009 #
Honestly, it’d depend on WHO was staying. Adam has friends who are married with babies, and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. However, if it was a girl I barely knew, I’d get pissed with him!
nadine on July 1 2009 #
I understand why he doesn’t see anything wrong with it, but I also understand why the girlfriend is jealous. If she knew the female friend and knew how trustworthy the female friend was, then she probably wouldn’t freak out. If it’s someone she doesn’t know at all, even if she trusts her boyfriend completely, it doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t freak out at the possibility of said female friend even trying to do something.
Why is she visiting specifically him? There has to be a reason, especially if he doesn’t live close to any tourist areas. That’s what’s really worrisome. If she were only staying for a day or two, I can understand the temporary stay to see a friend, but a week? Can’t she stay in a hotel or some other place and have him come out to visit or something? Especially when she’s not there, this kind of situation is very bad.
It’s not a matter of not trusting the guy, it’s a matter of not trusting the girl. She also might not trust her boyfriend to an extent too, but even when you have all the trust in the world in your boyfriend, you still don’t want other females (particularly ones in such close vicinity and with such a close relationship – friend, ex, whatever – to the guy) getting in on your boyfriend while you’re away, even if he pushes her away. I’ve had a problem with my boyfriend’s ex flirting with him online and wanting to meet up with him alone, and like I told him when I confront him with the problem, I know that he would never do anything, but that doesn’t mean she can’t, and the thought of her even trying is worrying.
But yeah, he needs to understand why his girlfriend is kicking up a fuss, and why this is such a problem to him.
Rosemary on July 1 2009 #
Oh, and also, if said female friend did try something, he can stop her all he wants, but in the end, she’s staying at his place for a week. She can keep trying and trying all she wants. What is he gonna do? Kick her out when she does try something? Where would she go? I think giving her alternative plans to see him that doesn’t require staying with him would be better.
It’s even worse if he lives alone, too. More chances, no one to interrupt.
I don’t want to think bad of the female friend, but these are possibilities that he needs to consider.
Rosemary on July 1 2009 #
It’s not just a matter of it being “not cool” – I think he must like this girl a little bit to even be considering this, especially at the risk of his gf’s wrath.
I mean, I only stayed with my guy friend for a weekend and look what happened (http://www.girlandcity.com/2009/06/a-drama-three-years-in-the-making/).
SassyGirl on July 1 2009 #
I’d only deal with that if I’d castrated him first, to be honest. :D
Amber on July 1 2009 #
I would feel uncomfortable with it. I have to say Rosemary summed it up lovely.
Caity on July 2 2009 #
Well, it’s not wrong, but she is a chick and he does have a girlfriend, so I can see why the girlfriend would be upset. But as long as he keeps his dick in his pants and the only thing he put his lips on is a toothbrush or fork, there’s nothing to worry about. ;)
Jenny on July 2 2009 #
My question is who defined the female friend as hot – if it was you or another girl friend cool, if him then that kinda makes me think…
I wouldn’t be happy with it. I’ve had quite a big and still have quite a bit to deal with my boyfriend being in contact with his ex’s. It’s not fun.
Charlie on July 2 2009 #
While I definitely think that relationships require trust, I think the gf has grounds to be upset here. Putting the long distance aside, the whole thing is just kinda weird and not necessary. Plus, even if you trust your significant other, you may not be able to trust the friend. I’ve had that situation before.
GF is definitely justified and dude should really be considerate of her feelings and stop being so oblivious to the actual situation!
J on July 2 2009 #
I think that the girlfriend is in all her right to be pissed off about it. There needs to be a certain amount of intimacy to have a friend stay over at your house — especially one of the opposite sex. Technically, it might not be “wrong”, but it’s sure as hell inappropriate! (Also: a WEEK is pretty damn excessive).
Trust requires respect — and he isn’t showing much respect for her concerns or for their relationship. I think lines have to be drawn somewhere. It’s pretty damn ballsy of him to have a hot friend STAY at HIS PLACE for an entire WEEK, and not expect her to properly freak out.
What about this other girl — Couldn’t he help her look for better accomodations? I’d grudgingly concede him a weekend — but a WEEK?? A WEEK? That’s just insane. He might not do anything physically with this person (he’ll probably just masturbate to that…), but the very fact that they’re friends implies there’s already some levels of intimacy there. It’s hard for the thought not to come up, especially under the circumstances.
Again, it’s hard to trust someone when they’re not showing you much respect.
Robmarie on July 2 2009 #
Wow… so many female perspectives… like everything in life it’s all relative. And like all things relationship-wise it’s all about trust. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having friends over, whether they are the opposite sex or not.
Yeah its not cool, but its also NOT cool that his gf doesn’t trust him enough. And if he cheats.. well then he was going to do it sometime and you’d rather find that out about your partner now rather than later… of course if he cheats, he’s probably a liar too.
Michael on July 2 2009 #
[...] regards to yesterday’s entry, my thoughts on the situation are fairly clearcut: It’s not acceptable. Yes, relationships [...]
Jingwen » Blog Archive » THAT BLOODY BOY on July 2 2009 #
Michael: Like I’ve said before, trusting your boyfriend/girlfriend is different from trusting those around them. You can trust in your boyfriend/girlfriend all you want, but that doesn’t stop those around him/her from doing anything. Sure, he/she may not react or respond, but that doesn’t mean it’s any better. I’m sure you would be mad if your girlfriend said something like “Oh, he tried to grope me when we were alone together for a few days, but it’s okay, I didn’t encourage it.” Yes, I’m using a more extreme example to get a point across. You may not necessarily be mad at the girlfriend, but you would sure as hell be mad at the guy, and possibly at yourself for allowing such a situation to happen. No one ever really said it was wrong to have friends over – most have pointed out that the fact that it’s a week AND something that was deliberately done to spend time with the guy is the wrong part.
Like Robmarie says, trust and respect work hand in hand. That not only applies with her relationship with her boyfriend, but also her indirect relationship with that girl.
And while I’m not justifying cheating, there are plenty of people who cheat when they normally wouldn’t otherwise be encouraged to because they’re thrusted into situations that they don’t know how to handle and tensions get high. Yes, it’s not right to do anything even in that kind of situation, but you’re also in the wrong if you don’t at least try to prevent those situations from getting anywhere close to that point.
Rosemary on July 3 2009 #
Not cool. I don’t think it’s a matter of his girlfriend not trusting him, but a matter of her not trusting his hot friend.
Shen-Shen on July 5 2009 #