It’s More Serious Than I’ve Suggested
June 26, 2009 | Filed under Relationships/Men
A few days ago, Mr. M and I figured out that in the past three months and ten days that we’ve been together (but who’s counting?), we’ve spent approximately four full weeks in bed together. Not necessarily having sex the whole time (we have a lot of sex, but we don’t have THAT much sex), but simply time together in bed kissing, cuddling, talking, watching television, studying, sleeping together, even eating. We spend anywhere up to twelve hours together each day, every day, but are yet to get sick of each other.
When we’re not together, we’re in constant communication. Texts, calls, MSN, whatever. Whenever something big happens to either of us, we’re each other’s first point of contact. Even when I was mad at him once, he was still the first person I called when I was in tears because I thought my car had been stolen (don’t laugh, I lost it in the supermarket car park…). When he received an unexpected large amount of money and was giddy with excitement, I was the person he called first. He knows things about me that I’ve never told anyone else, largely because he demands total and utter honesty and doesn’t let me get away with half-answers the way everyone else would. In turn, I know things about him that would humiliate him if anyone else found out.
I get attacks of insecurity that I’ve never had with anyone else. It’s nothing that he does or says that triggers this insecurity – he thinks I’m beautiful, amazing, witty, smart, all of that. However, the fact that I’ve never really been in an emotionally engaging relationship (let’s be honest here, any previous relationships I’ve been in, I haven’t been emotionally affected) means that this whole thing is very new to me. And because I am such an amateur at this whole relationship malarkey, I get irrational and start thinking that maybe his exes were better at it all, better than me at everything, prettier than me, smarter than me, more personable than me. Which, as countless people have pointed out, is ridiculous because if they were as amazing as my irrationality imagines them to be, he’d still be with them, rather than choosing to spend every spare second with me.
What gets me most I think, is the fact that I’ll never be the first. I’m not the first woman he’s loved, or the first woman he’s been emotionally attached to. I won’t be the first woman he’s lived with, nor the first woman he’s been overseas with. I’ll never be the first anything important, and that’s the most crushing thing for someone as egotistical as myself.
Needless to say, this whole relationship malarkey has obviously been a lot more serious than I’ve made out on this blog – it’s not the casual arrangement that many of you think it is. It’s so much more.
21 Responses to It’s More Serious Than I’ve Suggested
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I pretty much relate to the whole of that entry other than the last bit about being his first (which he’s the first for me as well~), but I feel similarly about the others.
And, in relation to the last bit, maybe you’re not necessarily his first in those things but could possibly be in other things? =)
Maggie on June 26, 2009 #
when I read romance novels (far more than I like to admit), the friends-with-benefits-that-turns-into-more stories are my favorite. I’m glad to see yours working out so well too :).
Jennifer on June 26, 2009 #
The chances of you finding someone who has never been in love before without resorting to dating 17 year olds are slim. :P
Being a “first” woman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway. It gets a little irritating having to teach a guy how to be in a relationship.
Darnielle on June 26, 2009 #
First… wife? Just had to say it.
Kieran on June 26, 2009 #
If I ever meet anyone, he will probably be my first for everything and I for nothing of his. It seems like it’ll be a huge disappointment, but if you keep that mindset, it’ll just spoil a good thing. As someone said earlier, you’re probably a lot of his OTHER firsts…more special firsts :)
marilyn on June 26, 2009 #
Aww I can’t really think of anything to add or a better way to put it other than I understand. Completely. (about the whole being a little irrational and insecure because you’ve put yourself at stake this time even though things like that usually don’t get to you)
Felisa on June 26, 2009 #
First Lady of the United States of Amandamonogamy…
You’ll be the first something, I’m sure of it.
Tracey on June 26, 2009 #
See, we’re in different sides of the boat. I’m Jordan’s first for everything but for me – he’s not. Sexual intercourse, yeah – he’s my first but everything else..no. And I feel bad because of that haha.
And I agree with the Kieran fella…first wife first wife! First woman to spawn with! SO MUCH MORE TO COME DUMMY!
April on June 26, 2009 #
Not being the first for someone when they are for you can be very difficult to take and it can damage your rellationship if you let it – but your relationship sounds solid and strong. Don’t let it get to you :)
Charlie on June 26, 2009 #
What Charlie said :D I can totally relate, my current boyfriend is my first serious relationship, and I’m by no means his. I have the same fears sometimes, especially because he’s still best friends with a few of his exes. But there’s obviously a reason he broke up with them, and there’s a reason he’s with me now, and it’s the same for you. You’ve got something great going here!
Ashley on June 27, 2009 #
Well, you’ll be placed first in his heart now :)
And if you get married, have babies, you’d probably be the first wife, yada yada yada :)
Chien on June 27, 2009 #
Well you know what they say… first is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest. Um, that was meant to be helpful. You aren’t his third right? =P
But really now, he can’t possibly have accomplished everything in the universe by his age now unless he is way older than you’ve led us to believe. There have to be tons of things that he hasn’t done with a ladyfriend yet and I’m sure that if your relationship continues in a positive manner, you’ll earn all kind of firsts.
I’m glad you have someone around that you are so very fond of. =D
Erin on June 27, 2009 #
I can really relate to this. My first serious relationship is with my current boyfriend (Clay). He’s my first for a *lot* of things, but he’s had I think 3-4 serious girlfriends before me. All that lasted 1-3 years and all that resulted in a lot of lovey-dovey feelings. I hate not being the first for *something* with him. Actually, I just thought of something – I’m the first one he’s dated that has weird candy eating habits and makes him eat the grape Skittles. That surely counts, right? ;)
Michelle on June 27, 2009 #
I’ve been a long-time reader of your blog (subscriber even!), but I think this may be the first or second time I’ve commented. I really know how you feel, as I’m in a similar boat. The attacks of insecurities, the mindset that the exes were better – I’ve been going through it too with my current boyfriend whom I love dearly. It seems that the more you love him, the more insecure you feel about yourself, even if you have absolutely no reason to be insecure at all.
My boyfriend’s ex still contacted him after she broke up with him, still flirting with him, etc., even though she had a boyfriend. She was his first serious relationship and longest one. She was definitely his first in many things that I can’t have anymore. She considers him her closest friend, the one who knows her best. Though after a lot of crying, fighting, and emails, he’s now dropped contact with her (though she is still reaching out to him despite everything), I still worry about whether or not I’m good for him, etc., among other things. It’s just how people are when they’re in a serious relationship. They want to be right for the person they love.
It’s something you might want to talk to Mr. Monogamy about. If you don’t voice your insecurities, you might not get over them, and it’ll hurt your relationship. And like everyone else said, although you don’t have those firsts, there are many other firsts (though you may not know it) that are still there for you. Heck, you might have already taken a few without realizing it. Even the small, insignificant firsts can actually be very important :)
Reply: I have spoken to him about it, but outside of telling me I’m an idiot and that he’s happier with me than he’s ever been with anyone else (which he does), there’s not much he can do. It’s really up to me.
Rosemary on June 27, 2009 #
Have you said the L word yet?
Amanda, darling, the only disappointing part about your serious relationship is that now we don’t get to do it ;)
No, seriously, I’m really glad for you. And you’re not stupid, so I’m sure you won’t let your insecurities (which are VERY NORMAL) ruin anything.
Reply: The L Word came relatively early actually. :P And, he’s a fan of lesbian action, so we can still do it!
Jem on June 27, 2009 #
Nothing wrong with a serious relationship. Don’t feel insecure! He knows you’re hot stuff and that’s WHY he likes you. I’m happy your relationship is going well. :)
Becky on June 28, 2009 #
Quote Kieran: “First… wife? Just had to say it.”
Haha… I was thinking the exact same thing. Don’t worry about being first. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you like him, that he likes you and that you are having fun.
Kathleen on June 28, 2009 #
I’m sure you were his first for a lot of things that you don’t even know.
Stephanie on July 1, 2009 #
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Have been reading back through your blog which I only found today and wanted to comment on this entry even though it’s rather old… I totally get where you are coming from here. I’m not a first for anything for my boyfriend. His ex was popular, rich, took him overseas, all his friends love her. I’m poor, not very popular, his friends still love his ex, etc etc. In fact, he still goes on about a fucking tailor made suit his ex got him (you’ve no idea how many times I’ve considered burning it or throwing it in a land fill). Everyone always says “oh but he’s with you not her” but in some ways it’s still as though part of him is with her.
I’m hanging out to be first (only!) wife & mother to his kids… haha.
Love from Rose in NZ xoxo
Rose on January 18, 2010 #
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