Terrified Of Breaking The News
June 18, 2009 | Filed under Asian-ness, Media
There’s a free newspaper that goes out on weekday afternoons in the Melbourne CBD entitled the MX. If you’re looking for hard-hitting news, it’s absolute bollocks, but if you’re looking for a spot of celebrity gossip, of human interest articles, and mindless entertainment, to read on the train home, MX is the way to go.
Amongst the mindless “feedback” pages that make up half the paper, is a section entitled “My Platform” where randoms on the street answer a general question. Below is one from earlier this week:
So really, it’s not just me who finds the whole idea of confessing a relationship to my hardass Asian parents terrifying. It probably doesn’t help that the night I’d planned to confide in my mother (and thus, ask her help to break the news to my father), she effectively told me that she thinks I should only date Asians, because Caucasians “just aren’t like us”, despite the fact that we’ve been in Australia for two decades. Mr. M isn’t Asian, so needless to say, there’s no way I can tell them yet.
23 Responses to Terrified Of Breaking The News
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We look strange! And we eat weird food. And the way we talk is really funny.
Jarrod on June 18, 2009 #
Yea, my mom is the same way.. I’ve actually told my dad about my boyfriend, but my mom remains oblivious? in denial? I don’t know ,but every time I let her know and/or ask to hang out with him she tells me she doesn’t think we should hang out alone. But she knows we’ve been “wanting to hang out” for about four years now. So what does she think we’ve been doing all this time? Not hanging out alone? I dunno!
Also, I think my grandparents prefer that I date Asian people but I don’t think my dad cares, and my mom just doesn’t want me to date a black guy.. SIGH!
Shen-Shen on June 18, 2009 #
Mmm… My parents have been in Canada for over 20 years and my dad still goes on and on about how I can only date Chinese boys (not just Asians, but Chinese, preferably from Hong Kong). My boyfriend’s Caucasian and paler than a ghost most days… I’m dreading telling them because it’s not that they’ll *yell* at me. It’s that they’ll pull the whole ‘we are so disappointed’ in you thing. It’s even worse than getting yelled at. At least the yelling (eventually) ends. Disappointment will last forever, and then it’ll be brought up at really awkward moments.
So I can definitely see where Tina and you are coming from. The less that they know… The easier it is. Sort of.
Michelle on June 18, 2009 #
I’m sure you already know this, but it makes me really mad when I hear about people who have migrated to another country to raise their children making little effort to understand and accept the cultural differences, and not freak out when their children do things that are acceptable in the culture they’ve exposed them to.
The expectations for you to live a Chinese life in a very non-Chinese environment are too much. Your parents are just going to have to deal with the fact that you like white man willy!
Darnielle on June 18, 2009 #
Hahaha… sucks to be asn! Oh wait… I had the same problem. Bloody azn parents. I’m going to treat my kids the same way just to give them a bit of azn culture.
Michael on June 18, 2009 #
I know this isn’t quite the same thing, but it may reassure you a little… I’ve known gay friends with homophobic parents. Parents who refuse to accept that people are actually gay, that it’s not just a mental disease, bla bla. The second those friends have come out to their parents, they’ve had a change of attitude/put their views out of the picture purely to support the choice of their child – because they love their child.
What I’m trying to say is.. just because your parents are hardcore asian, and just because your mum is against you dating a non-asian, doesn’t mean that you’re ‘omg destined to exile’ if you tell your parents.
There we are, just thought I’d throw a bit of optimism out there :p
Jem on June 18, 2009 #
=( I feel your pain. The fear of them rejecting the person, condemning the relationship, or even their constant hovering has crippled me from even attempting to embark on relationships. I always thought it was just because I was shy…which I am, but it’s undoubtedly made worse by them.
But I think it might be just easier to tell your parents in the first place…either way their response will be their response. At least if you are upfront and straightforward with them, they at least know what’s going on and it’s up to them to deal.
*sigh* it makes me sad really. But honestly, I’m so terrified of it that I won’t get intimate with anyone. I think my parents definition of “boyfriend” is different…to them it’s like “dating with the intention of marriage.” Sheesh, some people just date because they like each other…I’m not thinking that far ahead.
marilyn on June 18, 2009 #
I told my parents about the (now ex-) boy. The pause between me saying it, and their reaction was the most terrifying four seconds of my life, but they accepted it- probably because he was Asian, and a medical student. They’ve stated that they’re ok with me dating non-Asians but I have not put this theory to test.
I say- just throw it out there. If they’re going to find out, might as well be upfront about it as opposed to them perhaps walking in on you in a compromising position.
Carmen on June 18, 2009 #
Damn, I think it sucks that your parents have that mentality that a lot of conservative Asian parents have. I know for a fact that my parents wouldn’t care (although I know my mother doesn’t view African-descent people very well ~_~;;) if I dated outside my race. Really, if they ever did say something like that, I can easily retort “HYPOCRITES” since my dad’s Caucasian and mum’s Korean.
Tara on June 18, 2009 #
I read this issue! I chuckled when I saw that. I have an Indian friend who only dates Indian by choice.
Melinda on June 18, 2009 #
“Getting caught by my parents for having a boyfriend” sounds like she already has a boyfriend. If her parents get ahold of the papers, she just made her nightmare come true. Nvm, just trying to amuse myself.
That’s weird though. I, for one, am being half-teased by my mom to find a nice Caucasian and get married and have lots of kids with him. Not that she dislikes Asians, but nowadays, there seems to be this widespread mentality that marrying into a family from any country not ours ^^; would make our lives better or something. Seriously though, and I’m not patronizing anyone here, I think that since you’ve been in Australia for a long time, they shouldn’t completely expect you not to adapt and get used to the non-Chinese environment you’ve been brought up in, and that includes
getting it ongoing out with a non-Asian.I can say that that’s what she only thinks, and she wouldn’t be furious if you defy her preference. I understand, though, that disappointment coming from your parents is a hard pill to swallow.
Alex on June 18, 2009 #
I’m inclined to think that if it REALLY scared her, she wouldn’t even reveal that fact to a publicly available newspaper. Or maybe I’m just extra paranoid all the damn time.
At least your mom’s honest. My mom would say it’s alright for me to date and marry a Caucasian but I’m highly suspicious that she would turn around and freak if that was truly the case. Or maybe she just says this because she’s desperate for me marry someone already (since by Asian standards, a woman is expired if she hasn’t married by 30 and I’m over 30).
Tea on June 18, 2009 #
That’s how I was when I told my dad I was moving out. He knows Michael and he likes him way more than he liked Josh (my dad HATED Josh) but still didn’t really want me to be serious about someone. He actually *wanted* me out playing the field.
But, anyways, I was freaked out about telling him because I knew it would be a huge argument and that he wouldn’t listen.
Finally I got up the nerve and told him. First thing he said was “So you’re going to break your vow?” He’s always making up “vows” that I made, when I didn’t, so I asked “what vow?” Apparently he still thought I was a virgin, when it had actually been three years since. Just so I don’t have to have *that* conversation, we’re keeping up the pretense of separate rooms when my dad comes over. He doesn’t bring it up, we don’t bring it up, so who knows what my dad actually believes now.
As for race, my dad literally yelled at a black boy that liked me in elementary school to stop calling and leave me alone–because he was black. He’s asked me probing questions about guy friends (really just friends) that I’ve had that are black or mixed or anything. He’d probably be that way about Spanish or Asian too, though probably not as much as black.
It’s horrible. You should have heard him about Obama.
Skye on June 18, 2009 #
By the way, did your parents know about your past serious relationships?
Reply: Nope, never. It just never occured to me to tell them.
Skye on June 19, 2009 #
My mom would prefer if I dated a white guy or a white latino cause she’s… well she’d rather have light skin grandchildren…
But before that, she wants me to enjoy my life and not get married with just the first fulano who asks.
Noemi on June 19, 2009 #
Out of curiosity: Did you ask your parents at what “age” they’ll let you start dating? And if so, what was it?
There was this one time when my older sister (20) asked my mom if she could date. Mom’s response: “Now that you’re 20, you’re old enough.”
It really saddens me that Asian parents assume that we have to find our spouse on the “first try” and not date around in order to explore our options. It seems like they assume the children should have the first kiss, first time, etc. with only their spouse. With anyone else it would be considered unclean.
Merinn on June 19, 2009 #
Oh god…
Can’t tell you just how much I can relate to this!
Only, it’s the other way around. I’m half Asian, so I don’t really get counted as a full in the “Central Asia” community here in Auckland.
My ex had the most hard-ass parents. You know, I could write about the first time I met them for a segment in a book. That bad.
I met “the parents” and actually stayed in their extremely Chinese house, in a very Chinese part of town. Lets just say I’ve never felt so out of place in my life. Not culturally. Just, in general. It was like they were private investigators.
Note to daters:
NEVER TRUST ASIAN PARENTS. (Including my mom).
a. Even if they act like they like you, they could hate you worse than you’d ever realize
So, back onto Asian parents….
They really acted like they liked me. Took a great interest in the fact that my grandmother was FFS – obviously, fluent in Chinese, reading and speaking. What scared them was that my grandparents were part of “communist China” you know, back in the red book days. So that took a bit for them to get over.
Next: Mixed heritage.
They told my ex that I wasn’t a pure-breed and so they didn’t want me dating her. (Ha ha ha)
THEN: They claimed that I was gold digging and after all of their money. Ahem, cough… And they didn’t even see where I come from. With my 15,000 curtains which is probably more than a block of living space in their living room. Anyway…
OFF TOPIC:
Dating Asians, can be extremely hard. (Coming from someone who is half Oriental.)
The hardest thing to get past is the parents.
IF you get past the parents, you are worth a medal.
But these steps would include:
Behavior.
Politeness.
Respectfulness.
Cultural awareness.
GIFTS. (Don’t go to your partners house without a gift for their parents, make sure it isn’t too expensive, they won’t like you if you are trying too hard, get them food.)
Haha…
Might I add though…
NOT all Asian parents are like this.
It changes from culture to culture.
Such as,…
Iranian parents, Uzbek parents are a lot different than Chinese parents. And, alike, Japanese are different from Korean.
But having dated Orientals (Persians and Uzbeks) And Chinese/Cantonese people… The fundamentals remain the same.
Totally worth it though… If you can ignore the pettiness of winning. And, getting past generalizing parents.
Dakota on June 20, 2009 #
That’s so sad that you can’t tell your parents. They worked so hard to give you better circumstances in Australia only to demand you close yourself off to new cultures? That’s horrible.
Arielle on June 20, 2009 #
Oh my goodness that’s crazy. I unfortunately do have a lot of Asian friends who feel the same way, though. I guess it’s good that you aren’t alone, but it still stinks to have to be in fear of something that should be wonderful and you shouldn’t have to hide.
Caity on June 20, 2009 #
I really can’t relate to this so I’m not going to give you any advice on how to bring it to your parents that you’re dating a non-Asian guy.
What really bothers me though (and not just about your parents but in general around the world) is that people live in multicultural countries yet still don’t want their children to marry outside their own race. People are still thinking in boxes and to me that’s very narrow minded especially in this day and age.
I really hope you find the courage one day to tell your parents about your boyfriend. It must be very hard to think you’re disappointing your parents. But the love of a parent for their child goes far, and even though they might have their own ideas and views on your potential boyfriend I find that a lot of parents, after a while, accept their child’s choice and would want them to be happy, no matter who that’s with.
Chans on June 22, 2009 #
O.M.G. My hero. Seriously! I, too, am of the Asian race and dating a non-Asian. My dad is, well, in denial I suppose. I don’t think he really accepts the fact that I am different from the offspring of his Asian buddies in that 1) I will never get a GPA higher than 3.0 and 2) I will never date an Asian man. And he has specifically told me he’d rather I marry an Asian because, well, we’re Asian and we’re keeping our bloodlines clean and pure and totally yellow. What is this, Asian Harry Potter?
Although I’m not scared of them knowing I have a boyfriend. Just nervous when I’m about to let the news out. Currently my mom knows, although she takes every opportunity to remind me that it would be better if we stayed friends. Aha. If she only knew what hijinks we get up to when I say we’re watching a movie but really we’re at his house in his bed getting naughty.
I’m really curious as to why my dad thinks he can totally hook me up with one of friends’ socially inept sons. I mean, really. A nerd with social graces of a fish out of water, or my sexy Persian man who is an artist, a drummer, and is smart to boot with really great hair? Hm. Clear winner.
Dane on June 22, 2009 #
It seems like some ethnic groups have more problems with dating than others, particularly dating outside the tribe. Having dated a number of different Asian nationalities, I feel a little qualified on this.
I’ve dated a Punjabi Indian girl whose parents were never going to accept me, and even tried to set her up with other suitors while we were together. On the other hand, I dated a Sri Lankan (Sinhalese) girl and had no problems with her folks at all. Likewise with a Filipino.
I’m Indonesian (well, half), and we are a community that seems to marry a lot of white folks. I haven’t heard of that many problems in the Indo community.
Of course, it all comes down to individuals. Tamil parents are often considered to be really difficult, but my current partner is Tamil and her parents laugh and joke about me getting naughty with her. So its hard to stereotype.
Eurasian Sensation on October 9, 2009 #
My parents met BF for the first time last week (graduation dinner). Nervewracking stuff. We’ve been together four years and lived together for almost three.
eemusings on December 17, 2009 #