November 8 2008: Your Son’s Boyfriend
Filed under Family & Media & Politics
I recently read a human interest story about a mother and father trying to reconcile themselves with the fact that their seven-year-old son identified as being female. They admitted to occasional thoughts of hatred, to having contemplated sending their son to a psychiatrist to ‘cure’ his female identification. More important than these thoughts however, was the underlying love and support they had for their son, regardless of anything he might feel, think, or do. He was their son. End of story.
It brought to mind the 1960 Tracy/Hepburn film, “Guess Who’s Comng To Dinner”. In the film, the relatively liberal elderly white couple (Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn) hold certain misgivings when their only daughter introduces them to a black man (Sidney Poitier) as her intended husband. Similarly, Poitier’s parents are also shown to have misgivings about him marrying a white woman. Their misgivings are in spite of the fact that each pair of parents are comparatively liberal for their generation, having continually stressed to their child that all men (and women) are created equal. Despite their professions of support for equality, they are still reluctant to accept “someone else” into their own family. In the end of course, both sets of parents end up supporting the match, simply because it’s what would make their child happy. Their child’s happiness is paramount in their considerations.
As a side note, it is interesting to note that Poitier’s character was created to be as exemplary as possible - from being articulate, intelligent, educated, and grounded with an excellent medical career, there was really nothing objectionable in his person, other than misgivings some might have about his skin colour. It raises questions of how accepting Tracy and Hepburn would have been if their daughter’s intended was simply an uneducated farmhand or the like.
Anyway. I find myself wondering how accepting and understanding I would be if my own future children were to turn out being ‘different’ from the social norm. Those who read this blog regularly will know me as a socialist of sorts, championing equality across the board, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, and the like. How liberal will I be though, if my own son turned out to be gay, or if my daughter ended up marrying a black man? How accepting will I be of their differences? Would I invite my son’s partner, or my daughter’s husband to dinner? Would I see past their sexual orientation or the colour of their partner’s skin to simply loving them as the people they are? While I love/accept/choose-verb-here all those of my acquaintance who are ‘different’, I can imagine that it may be dramatically different when it isn’t simply a friend who is different, but a child borne of your own flesh and blood.
I’d like to think now that such things will never bother me, that such things won’t ever concern me. In reality, what one says and believes now, can be dramatically different from what they actually end up doing. I don’t know what I’ll do until it actually happens. And I can only hope that I won’t finally recognise myself as a close-minded bigot.
13 Responses to “Your Son’s Boyfriend”
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I kind of deal with this on two different fronts. Personally I’m straight, but when my mom came out to me when I was 15 it was a very scary time.
In the end though my mom is still my mom and a wonderful woman. She is amazing and helped mold me into the person I am. I’m proud to be her daughter.
Secondly my husband’s mom is quite prejudice and doesn’t make any bones about saying racial remarks in front of me. Not just against my own personal heritage but basically against anyone that isn’t white. Not to say she doesn’t throw in jibes about my heritage.
I don’t actually spend time around here anymore because of it, but it’s tough on my husband.
Veronical on November 8 2008 #
I was just watching Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner for the nth time a couple of hours ago and wondered the same thing. Had John Prentice not been a doctor with an unbelievable resume, would they have been as accepting? Then again, his character’s intelligence in itself was a statement — quite a contrast to how minorities were often portrayed in early Hollywood films.
ANYWAY, I know what you mean. I want to say that I will love my kids and not be bothered at all if they turned out to not fit basic societal norms (the biggest thing that comes to mind is if my child turns out to be a homosexual. I have nothing at all against my children marrying anyone from a different race). But it’s easier said than done. I’ll probably react the way that Katharine Hepburn did when she first found out that Dr. Prentice was a black man. I’d say “my goodness” and come close to fainting. Eventually, I’ll get over it — but probably not as quickly as Hepburn.
Felisa on November 8 2008 #
Interesting topic. I just finished studying a subject about social diversity which was mainly about the groups in society and the differences within those groups and how society reacts to this- from families and friends to communities and the government.
I have a lever arch folder full of articles on it if you’re interested :P
Alexandra on November 8 2008 #
*shamefaced* Just wanted to say a happy belated birthday, and hope it’s been a fantastic one! I /just/ realised when catching up on LJ, so.
<3 Best wishes.
Su Lynn on November 8 2008 #
That’s an interesting point. It’s plenty easy to talk about being open minded and accepting of all different kinds of people. However, once it’s present and very close in someone’s own lives, they sometimes change their views. I am confident I would be accepting but there are always times that I wonder.
Caity on November 9 2008 #
I definitely know what you mean and have thought about similar things. I have friends of all colors and sexual orientations and they are wonderful people, but it’s always easier when it’s someone else. What I’m really afraid of is what my parents think..you know…what if I don’t marry someone Asian, what if my own children (their grandchildren) aren’t exactly what they want them to be. It’s definitely tough, but I hope that the love of a family is stronger and eventually the deciding factor.
marilyn on November 9 2008 #
I understand what you mean. I’m totally liberal and equality-touting and all, but I suppose I won’t fully know how I’d react to differences until it’s forced upon me, although I really have to say that I don’t think I’m bigoted, and I don’t think you could be either.
Shen-Shen on November 9 2008 #
I’ve been raised very liberal and I remember when I found out my cousin was lesbian when I was 11, I was embarrassed about it. But I’m not anymore, and haven’t been for a long time. I’m certain that if my child told me they were gay or marrying someone of a different race, I’d be okay with it. Gender identification might catch me off guard though, I must admit.
Arielle on November 9 2008 #
Hmmm, that’s very interesting. I wonder how I would react in those situations, and how different it would be for me than my parents - I think if my children turned out to be gay, or dated/married people of different races then I’d be happy for them, and still love them - more easily than if my parents had had to (or will have to) deal with the situation.
At the same time, I wonder how I would react if their beliefs turned out to be radically different from mine, and affected their lives in a big way that I wasn’t happy with. I’d like to think that I’d still love them absolutely and unconditionally, and I’d like to think that it wouldn’t change anything, but at the same time it would be a difficult situation. I hope I don’t have to experience it - or is that rather a selfish hope?
Ann on November 9 2008 #
Oh, that movie sounds really interesting! I’ve seen something with Sidney Poitier before and I thought he was fantastic, so I’ll definitely put it onto my to-do list.
I’m lucky to have really accepting parents, and I feel like whoever I decide to spend the rest of my life with will be accepted by them.
Clem on November 10 2008 #
I feel the exact same way. I like to think I’m open-minded and give everyone a chance, but I can’t imagine how I’d react if I found out anyone from my family could be gay. I know that blood and skin color doesn’t matter to me; I’m very accepting of interracial dating and adoption (there’s a lot of both in my family). I’m not against homosexuality at all, but I’ve never had the experience of a close loved one being gay, and I don’t know how my family will accept it. *sigh*
Aravis on November 11 2008 #
this is weird because my mom is going through something with my brother’s girlfriend; we are chinese she is white, and my mom holds a small grudge everytime… now he wants to move out with her, and she SAYS she doesnt care about what they do but clearly she still holds something against her. this is definitely a tough one, but i’m not sure how this would make a child any less your child, one that you love. although i agree with arielle, that gender-identification might be a bit of a shock for me…
Becca on November 11 2008 #
It’s a very odd situation, dreaming up and hypothesizing about the future. I often wonder if I’m going to be the type of mother to lock little J in her bedroom and put bars on the windows to keep horny boys out, or whether I’ll do like my parents and trust her.
I really don’t think it’d bother me if she preferred her own gender, or someone with a different skin tone than us. But it would bother me if the person was a bum, without any ambition or drive. I can see myself scrutinizing every little thing about that person, like to date her you have to pass a job interview and jump through these hoops.
I can see myself wanting to protect her from the world and all of it’s trials. But sometimes you just have to let her fall. I think that will be the hardest thing for me. Sitting there and not telling her “I told you so”.
Erin on November 13 2008 #