3YO Toilet And Food Development
September 22, 2008 | Filed under Family & Friends
I’m a little bit out of touch with the ‘ideal’ age that children are supposed to meet certain milestones (give me a break, it’s been ten years since my brother was a toddler), so current parents, correct me if I’m wrong but: Should a three-year-old really be un-potty-trained, and should they still require an adult to feed them (e.g. unable to use utensils)?
As regular readers may know, I started a regular babysitting gig (as opposed to my sporadic babysitting gigs for several different clients) a couple of months ago. Every Sunday, from 8.30am till around 10pm, I’m in sole charge of a three-year-old girl whose parents feel the need to have a nanny each for their two children, as well as a cook, a housekeeper, and countless other support staff. Nouveau riche, you’ll understand. It’s a good position, as I earn $270AUD in a day, in cold hard cash. It’s also a bad position because if you spend thirteen and a half hours straight interracting only with a three-year-old because her parents are too paranoid to let you take her out on outings (zoo, park, etc.), your brain begins to turn to mush.
The crux of the issue however, is that when I first started the job, I was surprised to find that this three-year-old was still in diapers, and still required an adult to feed her every mouthful of her breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks too. Surely that’s abnormal behaviour? A three-year-old, if not fully potty-trained, should at least be wearing pull-ups rather than actual diapers. A three-year-old, if not able to handle a knife and fork properly, should still be able to spoon feed herself some cereal.
Yet she wasn’t able to, and it wasn’t because she was developmentally slow (she’s able to understand complex themes in story books that I read to her). It was simply due to the way she’s been brought up, coddled by a multiple number of nannies (she has about five different nannies including myself) who’ve been afraid to teach her independence, lest her nouveau riche parents disagree. It was down to me to teach her some life skills, if only because I’m impatient with people who think that children should be mollycoddled.
Potty-training was hard, as it’s really something that you need to do all week long, not just every Sunday. I tried to communicate to the other nannies that this was something that had to be promoted by all of us, not just myself. However, I know that some of them (the night-time nanny during the week in particular) continued to let her wear diapers, so any progress I made was hampered by their actions. In any case, I simply didn’t put diapers on her on Sundays. I’d ask her every half hour: “Do you need to go and do a wee?” There were accidents of course, too many to count, but we’re now at a stage where she’s pretty much entirely potty-trained…and even off the small potty, and onto the “big people’s toilet”. This might not be the case during the week with her other nannies, but I’m hoping that the more she becomes accustomed to potty training with me on Sundays, the more she’ll bring the same toilet habits to the rest of the week.
With food, I started off small, getting her snacks that could be handled without utensils. Carrot sticks, apple slices, etc, and got her to start feeding herself. That worked out well, so I moved on to foods that required utensils, that wouldn’t create a mess if she was to accidentally tip over her bowl. Cut-up bits of pancake with a fork, melon balls with a spoon, etc. We’re now at the messy foods with utensils stage – soup with a spoon, noodles with a fork, etc. It’s a messy business, so I’ve taken to making her wear a bib again just to protect her clothes, as well as laying down newspaper where she eats.
The point is – she’s getting there. She’s learning some facet of independence from adults. I’m just disgusted that it took a Sunday-only nanny to start this process with someone who was already three-years-old.
22 Responses to 3YO Toilet And Food Development
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Wow. I’ve never been around little children before (having no siblings, or contact with any relatives or any family friends that have any children), but I would have imagined that a 3 year old would definitely be able to at least feed herself and not require diapers… normally the average for such things I’m sure is about 1-2 years. I stopped needing diapers at 1 year.
If I were in that position as the babysitter, I’d be disgusted with the lack of parenting and teaching the child independence too. It should be something that definitely needs to be brought up with the parents and addressed – if this is their first child maybe they’re in that kind of “I don’t want my baby to grow up so soon” kind of phase, although I can’t see why when it’s growing out of the must-pay-attention-to-every-5-minutes-phase.
Jess on September 22, 2008 #
Funny you post this, because we were just having a discussion at home about friends of ours whose daughter is that age, and who still isn’t potty trained. It’s interesting that there’s more than one out there, but my opinion is that, barring developmental delays or other problems, by 3 years of age, potty training should have at least been attempted, and probably completed, allowing for accidents. Same with the eating. The fact that you’re making progress even doing it once a week with her, indicates how ready she is for it. It really makes me angry when parents neglect the development of their kids like this.
Rebekah on September 22, 2008 #
Gosh, I’ve never encountered anything like that, most of the toddlers I’ve been exposed to have been trained at about two- that’s awesome you’ve achieved that with your kid though.
I agree with Rebekah that this seems rather neglectful of the parents- have you brought it up with them?
Reply: Problem is, they’re never actually around. In the thirteen and a bit hours I’m there each week, they’re in the house for…what, maybe ten minutes? Their staff run the house, they just show up at night to sleep (and sometimes not even that…).
Carmen on September 22, 2008 #
Well, many parents nowadays don’t have the time or the will to sit down and educate their child in the way to become an independent adult in the future.
I don’t remember much of my young age, but I’m pretty sure I was completely able to go to the toilet on my own, I didn’t wear any diapers and there were of course some “accidents”, but nothing that will require more than soap and water.
I wasn’t allowed to use knifes until I was 4/5 years old, but way before that we fed ourselves. Who wants children that are unable of the minimum basic things that make us independent?
Regine on September 22, 2008 #
Considering that I work at a daycare, and I work with preschoolers who are 3 and up, our requirement for a toddler to transition into preschool is that they have to be potty trained. And once in our classroom, they eat with their utensils. Sure, sometimes they eat with their hands, but we make them use forks and spoons.
Sometimes we do have toddlers who are three years old who aren’t potty trained and whatnot. And we do get kids from toddler rooms who still have accidents almost on a daily basis, but they usually are capable of feeding themselves even if they have these accidents.
Tara on September 22, 2008 #
They should just do what my parents did – leave me with my grandparents who forgot to change my diaper all day, everyday until I would actually refuse the use of a diaper. Yes, sounds ridiculous, but when every singe member of your huge ass family that was alive then tells you that for 20 years, I am compelled to believe. Plus, the sooner one gets off diapers, the less waste there is for mother nature.
And spoons aren’t hard to use either! Especially by the age of 3. I have an uncle who does the same thing with his 3 daughters. He also has nannies and puts them in private school for PRESCHOOL. like…thousands of $$ for school for a 2-3 yr old?! They also think that the MUST keep their kids in private schools so they can mingle amongst the, what they think, are more civilized, cultured, educated people. My parents just tell them they are stupid and point to my brother and I who went to public school and never had nannies our whole lives. Don’t tell me we’re any less than those people. I dunno how they are gonna afford college at this rate.
marilyn on September 22, 2008 #
Holy crap. Some kids are definitely slower than others as far as milestones and development but that’s just ridiculous. Things like being potty trained and feeding yourself don’t happen magically. They require adults to set examples and help the child. It’s really sad to hear about parents that think they’re giving their kids everything when really they are hindering their development. Good for you for knowing this was wrong and trying to take a stand for this kid’s development even though everyone else was too lazy and couldn’t be bothered. You’ve definitely made an impact on this kid’s life and she should thank you one day.
Caitlin on September 22, 2008 #
My little sister is about 20mos right now and pretty much feeds herself. Not potty-trained yet, of course… I don’t know when they’ll start that. Probably when she’s tall enough to get on a toilet ;)
Stephanie on September 22, 2008 #
I’ve not been exposed to kids that age, but I’m pretty sure that I was potty trained by then. I see alot of young kids around 2 or 3 feeding themselves quite fine too. And besides, in the UK kids can start school at that age- they would need to be potty trained and know how to feed themselves.
That’s aweful of the parents. The worst thing is this will continue throughout her life in many other things…
Catherine on September 23, 2008 #
Wow. That is just sad. I am so glad you have made an effort to potty train this child.
What shocks me most is the fact that she can’t even eat with her own hands and needs to be fed. My sister’s bub (11 months) has been feeding himself for around 4 months now and even though at the start it was really messy (and can still be messy) he can at least hold his own food or spoon.
Bobbi-lee on September 23, 2008 #
A three year old should be potty trained & eating by herself. This is a case of child abuse, in my opinion, on her parent’s part. Good for you for teaching her, these things.
Hev on September 23, 2008 #
Money eliminates the need for common sense. I mean, just look at reality TV! Obviously, it also applies to parenting.
Arielle on September 23, 2008 #
LOL…. this is just my kind of topic =P I don’t want to knock your friend Jess or anything, but I will =P It would have been a miracle for you to have been potty-trained at 1years old. At 12 months you would have best just mastered how to walk and not walk well. Cognitively you wouldn’t have understood that you were to ‘hold on’ and go at the toilet. I haven’t checked your profile, but some culture particularly some asian cultures reckon that by ‘toilet timing’ a child you’ve toilet trained them. Toilet timing is the case where you anticipate when a child will go, hold them over the potty and wait for them to go. It’s not a bad first step, but its time consuming.
Most children can be toilet trained between 2-3years old and most wear a ‘night-time’ nappy tile they’re about 3.5, not because they need it, but to avoid accidents.
I’m sure your little friend can self-feed i.e. finger foods etc, most children will generally be able to start properly using utensils between 18months to 24 months.
What people don’t realise though is that the skills required at mealtimes are developed through different things they do during the day… things that require them to use both there gross motor and fine motor skills.
My question for the family you work for is, why would you have children? They’re going to have a very dysfunctional family when they grow up to be teenagers. Then they’re going to be asking… where did I go wrong? we gave them everything?
That’s when I would say… you gave them everything BUT your TIME.
Worst yet… you gave them Amanda…… that’s cruel enough =P
Michael on September 23, 2008 #
I’ve heard of cases like this, and the child grows up to have a warped mind.
Parents are becoming ridicously over protective of children and disallowing them to grow up.
For example, I saw a six year old child in the air port, she was sitting in a pram sucking on a dummy. It was disgusting and made me sick.
Belinda on September 23, 2008 #
You said it yourself — there’s not a set ideal age when a child can go to the toilet by himself/herself or when a child can eat without any assistance but if a child can’t do these things not because he/she cannot grasp these new skills even after being repeatedly trained to do them but, rather, because no one cares enough to teach him/her, I think it can be blamed on sheer laziness on the part of the parent or guardian of the child. My mom told me that it wasn’t easy to potty train us and it would have been easier to keep us in diapers but she knew that it was a necessary skill and we were all patiently potty trained at very young ages.
I’m glad you’re trying to help the child out. Most preschools won’t accept children unless they’re potty-trained now. I hope that when her parents realize this (after you’ve succeeded potty training her), you can get a bonus! :D
Felisa on September 23, 2008 #
I think everyone has already stated the obvious, you are correct! That is WAY crazy and definitely a little sad. Kudos to you for helping train the little girl. Imagine the impact you are going to have on her world. =D On Sundays, she doesn’t get to be a sissy little baby girl. She gets to be a big girl, an independent one! I think that’s awesome.
Personally, we taught Jas how to feed herself as soon as possible. At almost two, she freaks out if she doesn’t have a fork or spoon available and she’s of the nature that she likes to do things herself and be grown up – which rocks. We’re starting her on potty training soon, that way we can upgrade to pull ups! And not have to change as many diapers!
Kids are easier and more fun to hang out with when they can fend for themselves.
Erin on September 24, 2008 #
A three-year-old? There’s definitely something wrong going on there, and having several different people taking care of her mustn’t be helping at all.
Of course, children are ready at a different speed, but I’ve always heard that it’s time to start potty-training and letting children feed themselves earlier than that. Actually, I’m a bit surprised that she wouldn’t have tried it herself? I mean, my nephew was so proud of getting his hands on the spoon! Young kids love controlling everything around them, and that includes their food.
Julie on September 24, 2008 #
I wondering what your opinion of those child leashes is?
Reply: I wouldn’t use them, unless in a really busy setting (e.g. at a fair, a market, a street parade, etc.) for security purposes in a crowd. For day-to-day things (e.g. grocery shopping), I think they’re going a bit overboard.
Spencer on September 25, 2008 #
You’re babysitting a three-year-old? Blimey, what a brave woman you are…
Jordie on September 25, 2008 #
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