September 3 2008: General Veil Of Darkness
Filed under Family & Friends & Life & Men & Uni/Work
I realise that I’ve been rather circumspect when blogging in the past month or so. Personal entries have been few and far between - rather, I’ve been writing lengthy entries on broader issues, “how to” guides to everything from saving money to eBaying, and basically anything that avoids speaking too much about me and my life has been fair game.
There are two main reasons for this reticence. The first, my current lack of writing at length in English (my university classes this semester are primarily all in the Chinese language, so no essays in English) has meant that I need to get my rambling-at-length fix from somewhere. The second, I’ve not been particularly happy the past couple of weeks. For a while earlier this year, everything was peachy, but recently, things are dark, and I don’t do dark blogging. I find it hard to post rants about how bad everything is going, and how I hate the world, and general misery. That would be expressing feelings that I’m not comfortable sharing. Escaping the realities of unhappiness with impersonal entries about broader issues is a better option.
With this said, I do realise that I need to face and address the situation I’m in, for my own mental wellbeing if nothing else. So here I go, setting it all down in print.
Family
On the bright side, my parents’ cleaning/ironing service is really shaping up. Their mornings are booked out during the week for cleaning, and my mother is ironing a load of laundry each night. Day-to-day family expenses are being funded by the ironing, with a quarter of the cleaning money paying monthly and quarterly bills. They’re saving a few hundred each week towards their retirement, which makes my penny-pinching mother happy.
On the downside, my own time is severely curtailed as a result. I do a good five or more ironing drives a week to my mother’s clients, picking up and delivering loads of ironing, as well as being the contact person for their cleaning and ironing clients, so I’m making no less than three or four calls each day. I’d be happy to do so under normal circumstances, but though this type of work takes up a good ten or so hours a week, there’s been no lenience given in any other work I do at home. I’m not spared from washing the dishes, or doing laundry, or any of my usual chores. The amount I pay for rent and board hasn’t been adjusted to reflect the hours I spend in helping them earn money. It’s getting physically hard to maintain my schedule and keep regular sleeping hours.
Needless to say, it’s become a constant source of tension in our household, which is half the reason why I need to move out when it becomes possible. The other half of the reason: the only verbal communication we’re having these days centres around them calling me an ‘old maid’ every ten minutes (they don’t know about my dude person) as an unmarried 21-year-old female without potential Asian boyfriends is clearly going to become a crazy cat lady, and hassling me about getting a job lined up for next year, which, in itself is a source of stress which I’ll get into later.
Friends
This has been a problem for me since we moved last year. In our old suburb, I had numerous high school friends living within a half hour walk of my place. As a result, we’d constantly be in and out of each other’s houses doing something as simple as watching a DVD, staying for dinner, playing sports in the street, mocking teenage emos who walked past, etc, without more than two days going past where I wouldn’t see them at least once.
Since our move, my closest friends are half an hour’s drive away respectively. It’s now quite possible for me to go an entire fortnight without seeing any of my friends as the cost of petrol means that it’s financially impossible for me to drive to see them every two days. I now drive out for specific occasions only (birthdays, housewarmings, special get-together dinners, etc.), and miss out on the casual “hey, come over in ten minutes and we’ll watch hot men run around a football field in short shorts”.
To add to the problem, I’m the only person this affects. Everyone is still seeing each other regularly, so on the rare occasion that I do get to see them, they’re always referring to things that they’ve shared together, that I haven’t had the chance to be party to. For someone whose friends are her family, it hurts. Without the support of a friendship network, everything’s just a hundred times harder.
Relationships
It’s hard. It takes me approximately an hour (non-peak times) to drive to his place on the other side of Melbourne, which combined with the fact that he can’t come to my place, the cost of petrol, and conflicting schedules, means we see each other weekly at most. It’s been just over five months, but as we don’t have the means of seeing each other more regularly, it feels like a much shorter time. One could argue that this keeps the spice and anticipation in the relationship, but when it gets to the middle of week, and you’re feeling blue and need arms around you, spice and anticipation is the last thing you want. The warmth of another person is important, and it’s hard having that just once a week.
I realise that it’s nothing on people in long distance relationships who see their partners once a year or less. We’re not exactly split between Australia and Europe, where distance really is a problem, where you know, logically, that it’s impossible to be together so it makes it ‘alright’. It’s worse because though we live in the same city, we can still only see each other once a week. We could potentially be together more often, so this imperfect situation makes me hate the world and everything in it.
University/Work
I’m only doing two units this semester in order to finish off the last of my course requirements. Both are Chinese-based subjects (one is Chinese language, the other Chinese culture, history, and society). Both I love. Both I find it impossible to be motivated enough to study for or attend classes for. I love the subjects, and I do extra reading on the subject in my own time. The problem is that I don’t do the set readings, and I’m doing things at the last minute because I can’t bring myself to do it any earlier. It’s all been one huge ball of “What’s the fucking point anyway?”.
Job-wise, I’ve given up on looking for another part-time job to replace my current position as retail bitch. I’ve sent out applications, and each time, I’ve been rejected with “sorry, but we’re looking for someone more long-term”. I can understand their reasoning - why hire someone who’s graduating at the end of the year and will only be with you for five months, when you can hire someone who’s still in their first year of university and can work for you for two or three years? Even if they’re not as qualified, you can always train them, and at least it’ll save you looking for someone new at the end of the year, right? Logic aside, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck for me.
Regarding full-time work for next year (contentious topic in my household), it’s been hard. I missed the deadline for all the graduate positions in government departments (I was in denial about leaving the university lifestyle, and wanted to put off reality, which I realise is extremely stupid so you don’t need to lecture me), so there were slim pickings. Ideally, what was what I was looking for was something administrative, organisational, and people-oriented (e.g. Human Resources) at a large international company, where I could spend the first two years in a Melbourne or Sydney office, then transfer to an overseas office for foreign experience for a few years before returning to Melbourne to breed.
I’d pinned my hopes on a single position at a company which specialised in security, defense, and air systems, a positon which fit all my requirements. I’d concentrated my efforts to getting that job - repeatedly tweaking my application, researching the company in depth, etc. After getting through the first couple of rounds (email application, online aptitude testing, phone interview, group interview, individual interview, panel interview), I was pipped at the post. I know I should see the positives -there were over five hundred people vying for the one position and I made it to the final three which shows that I have definite employability potential. All I can focus on however, is the final failure.
Now because I have concentrated my energies on the one position, I find myself at a loss. There’s not many graduate opportunities still open for application this late in the year that even vaguely fit my requirements. Of the ones that are available, the listed salaries aren’t great, or there’s some other aspect (unusual working hours, little or no superannuation contribution, no vacation time, etc.) which is unattractive. I’m terrified that I’ll settle for something monotonous, and end up yet another 9-to-5 drone, living their entire life in the same suburb of the same city with no world experience.
Basically, I’m feeling despondent about the future because it looks like I might have to keep working in maternity wear until I find something vaguely promising…and at this point, it looks like it might take longer than anticipated.
Miscellaneous
The lack of time I have to do things that I enjoy and which make me happy (travelling and extreme sports for example - I don’t even have a spare day to book my aerochuting experience or to go for that day of pampering) just contributes to all of this melancholy. In the past, when I’ve been feeling particularly shit, I’ve always taken myself off to China, to New Zealand, even to something as close to home as Cobden and Sydney. I don’t have that option now as it’ll be November before I have any extended period of time off. I don’t even know if I could stand another two months of this.
On a more superficial level, I know that I’m gaining weight because I’m comfort-eating (fruit, yoghurt, and raw veggies, but comfort-eating all the same), but I can’t stop myself. My hair is falling out because of the stress, and I’m getting skin rashes like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t feel in top shape physically, and it’s affecting me mentally.
Stacking up everything in my life, I can’t help but feel as though it’s one negative after another. I can’t see any positives, which is a first in my life, and it frightens me. Life frightens me.
It’s been a ridiculously long entry, so thank you if you managed to get to this point. I’m not asking for sympathy because I know that most of the complaints listed can be corrected over time and with a bit of effort on my part, and heck, most of these problems are only in my mind, but right now, everything is just a huge veil of blackness that seems impossible to remove.
23 Responses to “General Veil Of Darkness”
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*hugs Amanda*
I’m so sorry that your life is so dark at the moment :( I know how you feel, and I really hope it gets better sooner rather than later :)
Emsz on September 3 2008 #
Well….and I who thought I didn’t have any free time. I’m experiencing something related when it comes to my future, career, time, free-time and stress.
I don’t know what to say but I hope you sort out this situation. If I were you, I’d talk to your parents and ask them to either reduce the rent and housekeeping tasks, or skipping having to do so much work for them. I understand you want to help and in my eyes and through your posts it seems you’re the one supporting this family, both mentally, emotionally and perhaps also economically. It shouldn’t be like that. You’re the daughter…this is how I see it anyway. It might not be like that.
Have you considered moving together with the dude? Is it too soon or something out of the question? Too conventional for you, perhaps?
Good luck with all, Amanda. I’m sure this negative period will cease sometime.
Regine on September 3 2008 #
I can totally relate to the friends problem you have. I think the only way I can get round it is to take advantage of my young persons railcard. It gets me £1/3rd off railfare. I can also get to London for £3 which is totally worth it. :)
Rachael on September 3 2008 #
*hugs* I hope things gets better. I agree with Regine that maybe you could talk to your parents and all? I know you want to help, and that’s very commendable, but I think you might be over-working yourself.
As for jobs, oh don’t remind me. Jobs are a pain in the arse to get! It’s even more of a pain when you’re stuck in a military base, and you’re not into the military mumbo jumbo to even qualify for 90% of the good jobs here . . . X_X;; I do hope you find something to your liking! And I’m sure you won’t be stuck with the 9-to-5 (or 8-to-5?) gig in a suburb for the rest of your life. You strike me as someone too ambitious to just be happy with that for all your life!
Tara on September 3 2008 #
*biggest hug ever* Theres really nothing to say that wouldnt be trying to brush it under the rug. You have but one option: just keep swimming. :-) I know we arent as close but if you ever need to blow off steam or get it out, email or facebook me. Im always here for you. *another big hug*
Skye on September 3 2008 #
I don’t know what to say, at the risk of sounding stupid. I never was good at giving advice I was better at listening. I read it all and I know you don’t want sympathy but I do sympathise for you and just want to send you a virtual hug. I can relate with the not being able to see friends thing, since I moved I find it hard to see friends-and since getting pregnant and having my baby it’s even harder to keep those friends and my priorities have changed, so friends change. I know eventually I will make new friends hopefully ones with children too but I do feel lonely sometimes.
I hope things start looking up for you and that you can get through this. If you ever need to talk email me any time-I may take a while to reply but I will.
Bobbi-lee on September 3 2008 #
God life is scary…. I hope that you stumble upon a perfect job soon because it sounds like with that in place, you might begin to breath again. You’re right in that all of your problems can be fixed, but right now, when none of them are… that must be absurdly overwhelming. I really wish the best for you, I’ve been reading your blog on and off for awhile and know that you’re a clever girl and will excel in whatever you want to, when given the chance. Best of luck and deep breaths until it falls into place!
gem on September 4 2008 #
You said yourself what I wanted to say - that everything you’ve listed can be fixed with time, effort, etc. Just hold your head up, because as I’m sure you’re well aware, dwelling on the bad always makes it seem shitloads worse than it is in reality. You can cope, you can sort yourself out, you can make new friends, you can find another position to put your thoughts and energies in to.
Nice layout btw. :)
Jem on September 4 2008 #
Aww man just reading makes me stressed it must be pretty hard on you! It’s pretty shitty having problems all round but you’re a real trooper as it is.
Belinda on September 4 2008 #
First off, let me send you some love. LOVE SENDAGE.
And second, a hug. A big hug.
And third, a song. “The sun will come out…. toooomorrow….” with the bonus that you don’t have to hear me sing it!
Erin on September 4 2008 #
*sends hugs and chicken soup*
Sorry you’re having such a shitty time right now, but I know that things will eventually turn around and start looking up. I have faith in you.
Arielle on September 4 2008 #
Aww man I empathize with you… with the Asian parents and being far from friends (we also moved last year and I also live half an hour away from my friends) =/ And man, I don’t even have a relationship to rant about!
I’m sure that once you move out, things will get a lot better. Keep your chin up, you’re going to be okay :)
Felisa on September 4 2008 #
Whatever you do, don’t let life make you think in a constant string of negatives or you’ll end up bitter and twisted like me.
You’ll bounce back. I promise!
=^_^=
Nellie on September 4 2008 #
Holy crap, Amanda, I’m glad to see it’s not just me doing the whole “I won’t blog till I’m happy again” thing. Heck, now I know it’s happening all over the world!
This is some advice a friend gave me, so I’ll turn and give it to you as well. Yes, Amanda, your life sucks right now. Yes, you’re trapped in this box of negative thinking and it’s got you in a slump. Yes, it seems like everything you do is amounting to nothing, and everything you’re NOT doing is amounting to worse. So have a pity party, seriously. Curl up in your pajamas and watch Pride and Prejudice all night (yes, the one with Colin Firth, or else the whole thing is moot). Eat. Drink. Feel sorry for yourself. Sleep late. And then the next day… DO something. Make the changes. Plan the plans. Go to class. Do freaking awesome in said class. Make time for the boy. No more comfort eating. Get that job.
Just sulk the whole thing out and then GO for it. It sounds cheesy… but it actually does work. And even if it doesn’t… you had a night in your PJ’s with Colin Firth!
Meli on September 4 2008 #
I know what you mean when you say that life frightens you. So many things can be wrong and when they pile up…it’s just a lot to deal with. I too am afraid of just..settling for something in the future, when I KNOW I can do more and do what I want to. But honestly, if there is anyone that can surpass current obstacles and has the ability to do everything (and more!) that they want to do, it’s you Amanda. Honestly.
marilyn on September 4 2008 #
Life does seem like a big bummer for you after reading that entry! I hope you sort it out soon, and I know you can get through it all. Good luck, and I wish it’s much much sooner rather than later.
Ramsha on September 4 2008 #
Life frightens me too, sometimes, and I’m not quite sure how I get out of those “holy god wtf do I do” kind of moods.
Your parents sound a bit like my parents. In terms of what I will call, for lack of a better term, their Asianness. It’s freaking hard as hell growing up westernized and still having to live with traditional Asian parents. I don’t think they expect me to totally be a traditional Asian girl, which only confuses me even more when they flip out when I don’t act like one.
I don’t have to deal with many other things that you have to, which I think I will appreciate in a couple years when I have to do the whole adult thing, so I can’t say that I completely understand, but you have my best wishes! I hope things get better for you, however that happens, and that you destress and get out of that darkness :]
Shen-Shen on September 4 2008 #
Things do sound like their going downhill, sometimes it is really important just to wake up and have something positive, however big or insignificant to look forward to. I definitely understand where your coming from in the family, friends and relationships area. But a reason why I’ve respected you since I’ve come across your blog (and hopefully I’m not going to be offensive or have a completely warped perception of who you are), is that you are definitely down to Earth and realistic. Yeah, despite these things being bad, you know things will get better over time, life goes on etc. It’s not exactly that you need advice or someone to fix things, but perhaps just for a bit of a release? I guess a part of blogging I’ve always found just a bit lacking, is that when someone just needs to get some stuff out during a bad time, you can’t just “c’mon girl, I’m taking you out to chillax”, and all you can do is give the “hey, I hope things get better”.
Sooo on that line of thought - I’m rooting for you, and hoping that real soon we’ll be seeing a blog of ‘wow, funny that, I’m back in an upswing in my life’! Take care now.
Jess on September 4 2008 #
Sometimes we can only see the glass half-empty, and I guess this is one of those times for you. Even though you know that over time the problems will go away and life will start to pick up for you, that doesn’t help you much for the time being.
It’s scary leaving uni life and stepping into ‘the real world’, leaving everything that you know and love (or hate) behind to start something for yourself. But believe me, I’ve been there and I’ve turned out alright (or at least that’s what I’d like to think!)
I’m not sure how employment works in Australia but over here you have websites that gather all vacancies and let you subscribe to them so employers can find you! If you have that in Australia you might want to consider doing that, because I’m sure with your resume and work-ethic there will be employers wanting to give you a job with some good terms!
Even though it sounds so simple; keep your head high, things will turn out fine!
Chans on September 4 2008 #
*kisses* The millions of people who commented are RIGHT! Listen to them because I can’t give advice. Never listen to me.
Family: Your ‘rents don’t pay you? Make them at least pay for the petrol of delivery!
Friends: Where in the world do you live? Come and visit me :D
Relationship: Huh?
Uni/Work: My boss is constantly looking for people (especially people who speak Chinese coz I can’t) and don’t leave uni! What about those long arse holidays?
Misc: *hugs* You should write a book!
xoxo
monkee on September 4 2008 #
I’m sorry you’re having it rough. Things should get better. Everyone just has to get through the shitty parts of life. I can absolutely relate to the moving and no friends thing. I just moved, and for the first time in my life - I spent 3ish weeks with no friends. I feared that I would have to spend 3 more weeks in the same situation, but things are already looking a lot better for me. Hopefully, you’ll be able to move out soon or you’ll meet people who live closer to you and make new friends.
Chantelle on September 6 2008 #
I won’t waste time trying to relate to you, nor can I tell you that things will look up when I’m at a similar “low point” in my life and I have a hard time believing that there’s anything but disappointment in the future. I believe that you have the power and the will to get on top of these negatives in your life. I’m a bum whose education and social life is going nowhere fast, but you–you astounded me with your self-sufficiency and your street smarts. Not to mention that I wish I had half of your confidence. I’ve rarely been so jealous of someone–you ought to be proud!
You *can* do it, Amanda. Hold your head up, and never forget that you have a lot of people who love you.
Jordie on September 14 2008 #
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