May 14 2008: Unfeeling Chinese Bitch
I seem to lack that gene that some people have - the one that makes it possible for one to be sympathetic, empathetic, to say “Aw honey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this *hugs*”, to lend an ear to people’s troubles. I’m about twenty million times more likely to expel gas from my anus, or yell out “Boobies!” in order to provide comedic material to defuse a situation that’s become too sentimental and/or emotional.
It may be that I’m inherently Chinese in my approach to emotions - we (please note, huge generalisation coming up) are generally a reticent race. We don’t do emotions, at least not on the surface. To verbalise feelings is pretty much taboo - we show our actions instead, whether it be by parents cooking a veritable feast for their children to eat, or by children bringing parents a cup of good quality green tea (with tea leaves, not tea bags!) and giving them a shoulder massage when they’re tired. We show affection, we don’t talk about it.
Parents won’t hug their children, or tell them that they’re loved. It’s partially superstitious (if you compliment a child too much on their achievements, or love them too obviously, then “the gods” will strike you and your loved ones down for being boastful and vain), but I think it’s largely to do with the belief that criticism achieves better results than encouragement. Growing up, I was five times more likely to be lectured on the importance of academia and/or the importance of marrying a good Chinese boy, than I was to be shown a typical display of familial affection. I grew up in a family without hugs or kisses…yet never really felt deprived of love, per se, it was merely wrapped up in the guise of concern about my future.
To bring it back to the initial discussion of responding to other’s emotions and cries for help - this type of Sino-esque reticence on my part has often led others to believe that I don’t care about whatever dire situation they’re finding themselves in. This is simply not true - I do care, I just don’t feel the need to tell you so directly. You are my friend - it goes without saying that I care about what happens to you. However, rather than making you feel worse by aiding and abetting you in dwelling over gloomy thoughts, I can make things better by making you laugh, by cracking a joke, by telling you about the time I was caught naked in a public park by police officers.
To say all those other cheesy phrases of sympathy would simply make me uncomfortable, and though I recognise that the situation may not be about me and my feelings, constant dwelling upon their various issues can do nothing but create further discontent. Positive thoughts makes positive people!
Filed under Asian-ness & Friends
Vera said:
I’m the same way, though not because it’s taboo or anything. I just don’t feel comfortable with open displays of affection. Plus I’m always paranoid that they’ll be misinterpreted.
Heh my mom rarely complimented me when I grew up, because “it’s normal”, so now when she keeps trying to “make amends” or something I’m always so suspicious.
Then again, sometimes I think I’d appreciate a hug more than my parents yelling at me. That’s just plain depressing.
on May 14 2008 #
Rachael said:
You can be sympathetic to other people’s emotions without needing to portray your own. Besides, sometimes all people need is a few short “Don’t worry, everything will be okay” sentences. In all likelihood, things will usually be okay, but sometimes people like to hear that. ;)
on May 14 2008 #
Nellie said:
Are you HIV positive?
I absolutely love the way you can cheer me up… even if it looks like I’m being a defeatist whiny bitch. I really appreciate it!
on May 14 2008 #
Sarai said:
You’re the type of friend people should be thankful to have around, however misery loves company, and sometimes they just want someone to make them feel worse. Not me though!
on May 15 2008 #
Belinda said:
I’m the same way, which is why I’d be a TERRIBLE counsellor. From what I know intellectually from psychology, the whole validation of feelings and emotions bit is really important, but it simply doesn’t come naturally to me. So when people come to me with feelings-laden problems, I tend to jump straight to the “so how can we solve this problem?” bit and completely bypass the exploration of feelings bit, which is actually quite important. I think that’s to do with how I was raised, my parents weren’t very touchy-feely to me (or my brother) and I’ve come to accept that as the norm. It
on May 15 2008 #
Erin said:
You know, its people like you who bring happiness to others when they can’t see it. So.. you aren’t an unfeeling Chinese bitch (but you clearly already know that) and if you lived in my same hemisphere, we’d totally have to go shopping together.
on May 15 2008 #
TWD said:
Haha, yeah, I’m the same way. People are like, “You’ve hugged your parents maybe once a year? O_o” and “Your parents must be so proud, what’d they say?” Uh, nothing…?
Unfeeling people unite! :D
on May 15 2008 #
Ramsha said:
I’m overly affectionate when it’s not required, and not affectionate enough when people seem to need it. Quite like you, I have a hard time showing my emotions in touchy situations, but people that know me well know that I care. In miserable situations I’m either the one giving the laughable advice, or the stare at the nearest inanimate object.
on May 15 2008 #
Arielle said:
I’m pretty anti-sentimental myself. It just always feel so awkward and cheesy to say the cliche things I know I should be saying.
on May 15 2008 #
Robert said:
I don’t think it’s a purely Chinese point of view, my Japanese friend also never openly expresses his emotions as well. Whether this is because of close boundaries, or a result of a shared cultural influence such as Confucianism I can’t be certain of.
Most of the time though, in those situations people need someone to vent to. You don’t necessarily need to be cheesily compassionate, but just being there to listen and being understanding goes a long way.
on May 15 2008 #
Katy said:
Hmm I hate sympathy too! There’s nothing worse than when people are pitying you. I’m also good at showing a poker face when not wanting to show my emotions either although sometimes it feels really good to just let it all out… I guess holding anything in too long isn’t good for you.
And Amanda… we need to go out for dinner so you can peel some prawns for me! LOL jk. =P
on May 15 2008 #
Robmarie said:
You were caught naked in a public park by police officers?? Is this story around in the archives or have you yet to recount it?? Hehe… Kidding =P
Sometimes, repeating tired/cliche phrases of “encouragement” is more annoying than not saying anything at all. Most of the time, you just want someone to *understand*, and not necessarily point out what you did wrong or what to do next time — because really? Unsolicited advice sucks. People telling you what to do in order to “fix” something is just… wrong.
99% of the time you’re already *aware* of your mistakes or of the theory of handling a situation — but you can’t help the way you *feel*. In the end, people just want to be heard and acknowledged without having their feelings judged.
In that sense, I’m sure you’re an awesome friend to have, Amanda =D
on May 15 2008 #
Yingna said:
I agree that it’s better to take light of a situation than dwell on it. However, some people like to first dwell and then move on. In times like those, I do provide an ear. I don’t usually feel too sympathetic either, but as a friend, the least I could do is give someone who is feeling down what they want and help them move on–and it isn’t too hard to put on a sympathetic face. After all, a lot of things we do in life isn’t exactly what we want, but we do it to either help ourselves or others.
I grew up in a environment with parents like that too =P Though, my mom would always bring back take-out (from a Chinese buffet) if my sister or I ever achieved something great. That was her sign of “good job.” And if I ever worked hard on something but didn’t reach my goal, they didn’t criticize me either. I think the nurturing aspect of the criticism technique stops at a point.
I was never brought up on a lot of superstition, but yeah, my parents don’t hug either. I think the majority of Chinese people don’t hug. But now, since hugging is “important” in the Western world, my parents encourage me to hug others–like when I leave some place, they say it’s good to hug people so I seem more open and friendly.
on May 16 2008 #
Rilla said:
That’s how I was brought up. And I hate it with a passion. I would actually prefer it if my family gave more overt expressions of love and care.
on May 16 2008 #