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October 9 2007: Parental Acceptance

Filed under Family

Sometimes it astounds me how much I still strive for parental acceptance. Despite having grown up with the knowledge that whatever I did, do, or will do, isn’t good enough, and never will be, I still bust my heart out trying to achieve achieve achieve.

I applied for this internship in Sydney (or, Singapore) with the major international company (emphasis entirely warranted) because:

Good reasons I believe. Heck, I could have just mentioned the first reason and that would be sufficient. However, my parents have had nothing but negative things to say of my decision to pursue this internship - and all their objections centre around the argument of: “Who’s going to look after your brother when we’re at work and you’re in Sydney?”.

That’s the most UNforward-thinking imaginable, especially considering that my brother is hardly the type who holds the concept of filial piety dear. In future, he’s likely to go his own way in life, cutting off our extended family as he pursues his own ambitions. I however, am a family girl at heart, and am more likely to insist on supporting my parents in their old age. Why then, would my parents insist on me giving up the opportunity to advance to a better-paid future career (and hence, more comfortable retirement for them), simply for the benefit of one who will later deny his family?

Terrible thing is, if I do get the internship1, I might not accept it because of their arguments. I find myself blinking back tears when they yell at me and tell me that I’m not doing the proper thing by my family, and my voice cracks as I try to explain the future benefits of accepting said internship. I cower beneath their fury and inability to understand that I need to do this, if not for their future, for myself, to recognise that I beat over four thousand candidates to be short-listed for a summer internship at a major international company.

It is a significant achievement…yet they continually beat me down and make me feel like a terrible daughter. While I can logically understand that this isn’t the case, emotionally I’m a train wreck.

1I’ve passed the first five hurdles and have another two to go - the applicants have been whittled down from four thousand to a hundred, and there’s only ten positions available

19 Responses to “Parental Acceptance”

  1. I think your parents are afraid of losing you - they want to keep you close to home.

    I don’t know what I would do in your situation, but I try so hard to please my parents. I know it’s impossible, that they’ll always find some way that I’m still lacking, yet I can’t help but try.

    Congratulations on getting so far, though!

    Kaylee on October 9 2007 #

  2. As a father (multiply, don’t ask) I suppose I can add a perspective from the other side. And nothing gives me, or any parent, more pleasure than seeing a child go after something they really want. This doesn’t mean winning, just seeing the joy of passionate commitment (I guess that is why I like this blog so much!) And if success follows, sure, great. So if you want it, and you surely do, stand tall and go for it. The fact that such an internship is like gold is two arguments: a, you probably won’t get it; b. if you do: imagine the bragging rights for your parents! There will be a solution to ‘who looks after your brother’, there always is. And you never have to worry about being acceptance by your parents: by definition, every child gets it, and every parent gives it, no matter what. (a tip, by the way: find some way to make the company assessors aware of this blog. Anyone who reads it will say, like, wow.)

    peter on October 9 2007 #

  3. I know how you feel. My dad is like that. It’s why I’m going to uni where I am. I can commute and, thus, live at home. -.-

    I’m getting to that point where I need to break away. I know I’m going to go through the same thing as you, I know I’m not going to be able to argue back. But you need to do it. Everyone has to. It’s that point where you break free and start your own life. Otherwise you’ll be there forever….

    *hugs*

    Skye on October 9 2007 #

  4. I would hate to get to that situation. My parents always complain about me being immature and dependent, but they would never let me go out and live by myself. However, if I had the chance to work at a major international company, I doubt they would let me turn it down.

    While being a family girl is good in some ways, I think it’s important for you to be striving for what you think is best. At the end of the day, it’s really your life. I hope you work out a way to convince them. And I’d say congrats for making it this far and good luck for getting an actual position.

    Rilla on October 9 2007 #

  5. I think it’s more of the fact that since your family is so tightly knit together, the balance between all of you is integral, but your parents should see soon enough that your brother isn’t going to resist change.

    At some point in life, we all need to tread our own separate paths, and it IS your own life, and your own happiness, and in the end it’s up to you, not them. I can empathise with the desire to escape your parents, especially when we all get to that age where we need to start being independent, or we won’t cope well in “the real world”.

    But best of luck with the internship, and congratulations on how far you’ve come in the process. -hug-

    Xuan on October 9 2007 #

  6. I really don’t know what I can say about this without possibly insulting your brother and your parents so I think it’s best for me to refrain.

    However, I’ll just say that maybe it’s time for them to stop mollycoddling your brother and let you do your own thing. You are a good daughter, and you always have been. They’re lucky to have you and it frustrates me that you’re still striving for their acceptance.

    Tracey on October 9 2007 #

  7. awww *hugs* I know how you feel…like even though you know what you’re doing is right and great, it just doesn’t feel that way when parents object, no matter how wrong you know they are. But, do what you know in your heart is best for you and maybe they’ll com around and understand some time. You’ll always have us!

    marilyn on October 9 2007 #

  8. Tsk tsk… I’m sorry… I can totally relate.
    It’s hard having first generation immigrant parents because it’s just so hard for them to understand that US/Australia/Europe is not Asia. Things are different.

    I think the best you can do is to follow your heart… They WILL understand soon enough. It’s YOUR life and regardless of how much you love your family, you have to do some things for yourself. Good luck!

    Felisa on October 9 2007 #

  9. You’re in the same position as I, somewhat. I can’t go through with major decision without my parents (now just my mother’s) approval. It’s doesn’t feel right taking on something I know will be a disappointed or disapproved of by them. Any excitement or feelings of exhilaration are completely squashed the moment they say, “I don’t think so”. I think apart of it, from my mother’s end, is the fact that she can’t seem to accept I’m an adult now. To her, I’m still her baby.The other part of it is that my parents are traditional. They believe in the whole, obey your parents above all else. And for the most part I succumb to that. Sometimes I dream about what it would be like to not have to constantly worry about my mom’s approval. I suspect more liberating.

    Good luck with your decision, I can imagine will be a difficult one.

    Kiera on October 9 2007 #

  10. I think… as dear as parents are… they can sometimes hold you back instead of pushing you forward. So I’d say go for it. Ultimately you have to live your life for you. Don’t say no if you’ll regret it! (Which I think you would?)

    My parents are somewhat similar and I haven’t even gone to Uni yet!

    Amber on October 9 2007 #

  11. I feel rather inadequate trying to counsel you, especially since I only know about this as much as you post here. I’m assuming there’s a bit more to it.

    Still, if you get the internship then go! It’s your life, your career, your golden opportunity. It is not your job to raise your brother. Besides, if you give this up, you will always regret it.

    Vera on October 9 2007 #

  12. Generally speaking; I can get so angry when I hear about parents that just see their children as cheap babysits. Basically they are holding you back in your achievements because they made a decision to have another child and are butting that ‘burdon’ on you now by making you his nanny.

    Surely you love your brother and your parents but IMO it’s just wrong of them to hold you back from your chances in life by talking you out of this with the lamest argument ever; who’s going to watch your brother..

    I’m not trying to talk down your parents or say they are bad parents but I do think they should think about the fact that you weren’t pu tin this world just to watch your little brother; there are bigger things out there for you and you can now go for those things by accepting that internship.

    Sit down with them and try to talk to them maturely and let them know how important this is for you (I’m sure you already tried this though). Also let them know that you love your family and that they love you but that love also means letting go; in a way that allows you to still be the lovely Amanda they know that helps around the house / store where she can but also lets you pursuit your dreams!

    Chans on October 9 2007 #

  13. Err… it’s just for a summer… is it not? Isn’t your brother old enough to look after himself (kind of?)… There isn’t some other sort of care? Can he not stay at cousin/friend’s house? O_o”

    Mish on October 9 2007 #

  14. Oh… btw… congrats tho… I hope you’re successful.. ^-^~

    and OMG.. i’m so sorry I can’t make it to your birthday.. I’m coming back 6th jan.. so I’ll make it up to you then.. I’m probably having my birthday when I come back..

    btw.. when are u doing up to sydney if you do go? coz if ur gone during summer then you’ll miss my birthday - which makes it even.. kinda =P I’ll look for something in Germany for you…

    Mish on October 9 2007 #

  15. I’m sorry. :( I don’t think my parents have ever yelled at me that bad to stop me from doing something I want to do.

    You should take the internship though. You might not get another chance. If it really truly doesn’t work out, it’s not like your fate is set in stone. You can always go back home.

    Kimmie on October 9 2007 #

  16. I went through a similar experience when I almost moved to the west coast to go to law school. While my parents didn’t yell at me, they did try to keep me here (mostly my mother and sister) by making me feel guilty. I had a full scholarship for all 3 years there and I’ve always wanted to live near San Diego, California but I was scared.

    I know it would be tough but I don’t think it’s an opportunity you can pass up if it is offered to you. Think about you and what you want. You seem like you are a strong person so I think you’d be okay in the end. Your parents should come around and realize how big this would be for you.

    Jamie on October 10 2007 #

  17. That is absolutely ridiculous and, as you said, amazingly short-sighted. Hopefully, given the time before the final announcement of the internship (which I have no doubt you will get because you are AWESOME) they will come to accept it.

    And if they don’t, hard as it might be for you, I will tell you to say “screw you” and do it anyway. At some point you have to make it clear to your parents that you were not born to babysit the boy that came after, you’re not their piggy bank so they can buy a shinier car, and basically that you’re not there so they can take advantage of you. Maybe this is harsh of me, but it’s what I get from your posts. You seem like an achingly good kid who gets taken for granted.

    You’ve given them enough of your dreams, Amanda. Parents are supposed to give their dreams to their children, not the other way around.

    Jack on October 10 2007 #

  18. I’m in sort of the same situation as you…but if I were you and I got accepted I would definantly take the internship. Life doesnt give you much chances, so take it when you finally do get one. Yes family is important, but its you who lives your life, not your parent or your brother.

    anna on October 10 2007 #

  19. I can definitely understand your position of wanting to please your parents. I was planning on participating in an animal rescue programme in Bolivia because 1) I love animals and would like to work with them one day, perhaps, and 2) I’m getting a BA in Spanish and French. Going to Bolivia during my summer would definitely help out my Spanish and give me job experience in a field I’m potentially interested in. I’m also a lesbian and it’s fairly difficult to please your parents with that news, so I get it. ;)

    When it comes to parents, it’s always hard to know what to do, but sometimes you just need to do what’s best for YOU and think about them second–particularly when such a huge opportunity comes along. I can’t tell you what to do, but if I was given a second chance at Bolivia, I’d take it.

    V on October 13 2007 #

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