June 16 2007: Not Having A Say
Filed under Friends & Politics
I’m incredibly upset. I don’t often get mopey and “woe is me” on this blog, but I think the circumstances warrant such behaviour.
My best friend is getting married to her cousin in America who she’s never met via a proxy wedding ceremony. She’ll be moving over there by the end of this year.
I don’t often say bad things about religion and those who are firmly religious - as far as I see it, if it works for them, then cool, I can deal with that. Live and let live. But when religion and culture dictates that my best friend (she’s an Islamic Afghani) has to marry someone she’s never met, move to a country she’s never been to, give up the final few years of her tertiary schooling, and leave all her friends and family behind to be surrounded by strangers, then yes, I have a problem with religion and culture.
I could let the situation go and deal with her being so far away if I knew that she was happy with the circumstances. But she’s not. Yet there’s no other way out for her as she loves her family too much to disgrace them by refusing to marry her cousin - if she doesn’t go through with it, she’ll simply be cut out of the family. She’s fiercely independent and headstrong, but when it comes to something as important as the person she has to marry, her religion and culture dictates that she doesn’t have a say in who she marries.
I just want her to be happy…and I don’t think she will be. Is it any wonder I’m upset?
Oh God that sucks so much. I’ve always been firmly cynical about religion and culture, ESPECIALLY “traditions” like that which can ruin people’s lives. I would be so angry!
Do you think there’s any way that your friend can maybe convince her parents out of it? Is it purely a ceremonial thing or does money come into it? Has she considered that for the sake of her future happiness… that may be being cut out of her family is a sacrifice worth making more than the one she’s going to make? What has her family said about it? Do they care about her happiness at all, or is it all about them?
Is there any way she would come back to Melbourne? Have a career of any sorts in the long-term?
Belinda on June 16 2007 #
That’s wretched. Some of my friends will probably have arranged marriages… I pray that they won’t involve moving & giving up one’s life. I don’t have a problem with arranged marriage, in general, but your friend’s situation makes me want scream. What the hell is her family thinking? Our only hope is that they made this decision after careful consideration and picked her husband well… If they won’t let her out of this, all anyone can do is trust in her family’s judgement. America isn’t that bad.
Chantelle on June 16 2007 #
It is so far from the culture I live in that I don’t require of myself to understand it. I guess if she was my friend I would tell her that I will be there for her no matter what she ended up doing and that being a part of her life is more important than all her cultures stupid dictations.
Nan on June 16 2007 #
Shit man, she’s moving to America. Here in our land of sin, she can cheat on him all she wants and in the end file for a divorce and that’s the American way. I honestly do feel really bad for her. I understand what it is like to give up what you want.
But the good news is, she’s not alone!!! I have actually met a lot of women over here who are married to a arranged husband. When I worked at the library, that was one of their favorite hang out spots, and they all kind of hung out together. Most of them kept very busy with projects (scrapbooking, dance lessons, going to the gym, etc). Many of them claimed to grow to love their husband. And honestly, a lot of their marriages were a lot more stable than choices made by young people.
Kimmie on June 16 2007 #
Hmm. As a Muslim, here’s my two cents on the matter:
I blame culture for that situation. In Islam, marriage is by mutual consent AND I’m sure that the family has no right to estrange her for not consenting. The problem is that the culture in many Muslim countries dictates that the family can overrule the bride (or groom, I suppose, although I think it happens to ladies more often) to be.
Belinda: In Islam, the husband must give money to the wife as a “just in case” - if the couple gets divorced or something, she will be able to manage on her own with the money. Don’t know if that money has been given or not (my uncle still hasn’t given it to my aunt, but they’ve been married for quite a while I think so a divorce isn’t likely) in this situation. I think other than that, any money, gifts, etc. is based on the culture.
In India, suitors traditionally visit the eligible girl and her family and both sides see what the other is like. I think things work out a lot better that way.
All I can say is that I hope the husband won’t prevent her from getting an education here and that the family made sure they knew who he was :/
Sumaiya on June 17 2007 #
I have a friend who is going to have an arranged marriage some time in the future, but in her case she won’t be forced to move overseas if she doesn’t want to. She also won’t be forced to marry anyone she doesn’t want to. If she says she really doesn’t want to marry someone, she won’t have to.
I can’t even imagine being required to move such a long way away and marry someone I barely know… it just seems terrible. And not only that, but to give up my education?
I’m not helping at all… but I really hope things turn out better than you expect. Hopefully her cousin’s nice and not controlling, and she can study over there if that’s what she wants to do.
Jessica on June 17 2007 #
That’s upsetting. I’m speechless. All I can do is hope for her good fortune =S
Mish on June 17 2007 #
That’s rather imposing. I would think that at this time and generation, mutual consent would at least be considered. I hope at least she’ll grow to love him, and make her own choices in the future. I suppose a lot of the arrange marriages generally turn out to be more stable than the ones that are made by youth now-a-days. I hope she fares well through all of this!
Ramsha on June 17 2007 #
That’s sad. :( I just don’t know what to say… I really wish people were allowed to choose something like that, since it will affect you for the rest of your life and concerns you more than anyone else.
Julie on June 17 2007 #
That’s awful! It’s one of the most important decisions of her life, and she’s not allowed to make it herself. I can’t even imagine being in that situation. :(
If she has to go through with it, I hope she finds some happiness. You do, after all, hear of arranged marriages that work out well.
Any chance she will be allowed to finish her education before moving over there?
Mari on June 17 2007 #
It is a shame that such traditions as though are still into play. In high school I was friends with an Indian girl. Even though her family had moved to America long before she was born they still hung onto the tradition of an arranged marriage. She had a little say so on who to marry but pretty much it was her families choice. She was very upset about this and she was contemplating getting as far away from them as possible once she graduated high school. I lost track of her after she graduated so I don’t know what ended up happening to her.
Charlene on June 18 2007 #
I honestly have no words.
I’d agree with Belinda except that I know the ties of family and “what is expected” of you. Except that she won’t see much of her family now anyways, so either way she loses them?
Skye on June 18 2007 #
It’s a pity they couldn’t wait some years for her to finish school. Or at least for the husband to let her do that. Though maybe if she asks nicely.
Well islam is a whole different way of life, as far as women are concerned. And in the end, if that’s all you see around you I guess it’s not so bad. Still I suppose she sees people like you in Australia, which must make it really hard.
Vera on June 19 2007 #
[...] With a friend who’s in an arranged marriage, I’ve been thinking more and more about the probabilities of success in an arranged marriage, as opposed to success in a self-appointed love match/marriage. As the two are fundamentally different, it would be difficult to measure success as it would mean different things to different people. However, a form of measurement could be done via: [...]
Jingwen » Blog Archive » Arranged Marriages Vs. Love Matches on May 24 2008 #